Encountering a Snake - Chapter 28

v2c28

The author has something to say: Yesterday, I was bombarded with all sorts of comments. I may have been in a bad state after being torn apart, and some people said that this chapter is overly convoluted and verbose.

I made some slight edits, but after reading it again, it still feels convoluted and verbose.

However, if I didn’t make it convoluted and verbose, how could I possibly take some small revenge on all the people who’ve put so much pressure on me for so long? Hahaha!!

So, I think the ones most likely to get confused are those who’ve been indulging in all kinds of imaginative interpretations and ideas during this time.

Because you’re going to be tortured by your own imagination. Heh.

—

Yi Mo held him for a while, then withdrew from Ji Jiu’s body. Silently, he wiped away the stains from both of them, then fetched a clean robe to change Ji Jiu into. After dressing him, he lowered his eyes, no longer hiding anything, and spoke his thoughts aloud:

“When you grabbed me and asked to be held, I thought of you as Shen Qingxuan.”

He continued, “In my eyes, Ji Jiu and Shen Qingxuan are the same.”

Ji Jiu, hearing these words, felt neither sad nor happy. He knew he was dead—completely, utterly dead in this matter. It felt like there was a big hole in his heart, with air circulating inside it.

Perhaps it was because Ji Jiu had died so completely that he lay still, quietly contemplating his own issues. He had many doubts about Ji Jiu, about Shen Qingxuan, about Yi Mo, about Shen Jue, about this past life and present life. Ji Jiu had once invested a great deal of energy trying to think, to understand. However, perhaps because he had been caught in the vortex and couldn’t escape, Ji Jiu knew that no matter how much he thought, it still wasn’t enough.

Today, it was finally over.

Ji Jiu was dead.

The resentful Ji Jiu, the hopeless Ji Jiu, the Ji Jiu who knew everything, the Ji Jiu full of pity, the Ji Jiu who gave way, the Ji Jiu who was quietly moved… all of them had vanished.

Perhaps, it wasn’t the word “Shen Qingxuan” that killed him, nor was it Yi Mo’s hand.

Ji Jiu knew he had died from his own hands, from knowing it was hopeless but still secretly hoping. That word, that name, was merely the last straw that broke the camel’s back.

From the moment he was moved, Ji Jiu had already started down the path of death. Today, it was simply the dust settling.

Ji Jiu had no complaints. He knew that what he did shouldn’t have been done, he knew he shouldn’t have liked him, but he did. The ending, of course, was to be met with calm acceptance.

The dead Ji Jiu stepped out of the vortex, standing far away on the shore, looking at the black hole that could devour the heart.

The scene was filled with wounds, and an inexplicable smoke filled the air. This was the true image of everything that had transpired all this time.

Clearly, everyone wanted to treat each other kindly, but no one knew why no one could do it.

After a long time, Ji Jiu sighed and finally spoke.

“Yi Mo, we spent a lot of time together. But you never mentioned Shen Qingxuan, never talked about the past life. Even in the beginning, other than coming to me every night for this bed affair, you never explained that you came to me because of my past life. Why?”

It seemed like just a casual question, just curiosity, just doubt. Even though Yi Mo knew Ji Jiu wouldn’t say anything useless, he didn’t think much about it. He was used to not thinking when facing Shen Qingxuan—just accept it calmly.

Yi Mo said, “I didn’t want to say.”

“Why didn’t you want to say?” Ji Jiu asked, pausing for a moment before expressing his guess: “Were you afraid I’d laugh at you? Sympathize with you? Reject you?”

Yi Mo thought about it carefully. In fact, at the beginning, he had many chances to tell Ji Jiu. Perhaps it wouldn’t have led to such strong resistance. But on the first night, the timing wasn’t right, so he didn’t say anything. Later, when Ji Jiu kneeled in front of him and bowed, full of indignation, even feeling wronged himself, he still didn’t say it. Then, when Ji Jiu knew resistance was futile, and let him do as he pleased, he still didn’t say anything. Even now, they still hadn’t had a clear conversation.

Why didn’t he say it? Why didn’t he explain? Why didn’t he tell Ji Jiu?

Yi Mo thought for a long time, then hesitated before saying, “I don’t know. I just didn’t want to say.”

He could have said it but chose not to. He could have explained, could have alleviated the initial antagonism, but didn’t.

Ji Jiu softly asked, “Is it because I was bad to you?”

Yi Mo was stunned, not expecting this question, and froze in place.

Ji Jiu didn’t wait for an answer. He sat up, forced Yi Mo to look him in the eye, and repeated, “Is it because I was bad to you?”

Yi Mo remained silent.

“So, only when I’m good to you, when I’m willing to lie beneath you, will you say the name you like? When I’m bad to you, you never say it.” Ji Jiu asked, “Isn’t that right?”

“Because you think that only the one who’s good to you, the one who likes you, is the Shen Qingxuan you want.”

“The ones who are bad to you, who reject you, even if you hold them and say they’re the same, deep down, you don’t recognize them as Shen Qingxuan, not the one you like!”

“Isn’t that right?” Ji Jiu asked seriously.

Yi Mo remained silent.

In his silence, Ji Jiu understood. There might still be many things he was confused about, but at least, in this moment, Ji Jiu knew he had grasped part of the truth.

Ji Jiu straightened his collar and asked, “I found out about the past on my own. If I hadn’t, when would you have told me?”

Yi Mo didn’t know how to answer this question either. He remained silent, sitting on the side.

“Shen Jue once told me that at first, you didn’t even become a demon by your own will. You were tricked by a Taoist and became a demon. All demons want to become immortals, so you began to cultivate immortality. Now, it’s been two thousand years. Yi Mo, can I say this?” Ji Jiu paused, “In these two thousand years, you haven’t done anything you truly wanted to do, because you didn’t have anything you wanted to do. Is that right?”

Ji Jiu shook his head. “Shen Jue said that you and Shen Qingxuan being together was almost forced by his father. So, it was because Shen Qingxuan insisted on being with you that you agreed, right?”

Regarding this, Yi Mo nodded and admitted, “Yes.”

Ji Jiu rubbed his forehead, feeling a headache coming on.

It was real pain, filled with helplessness.

Ji Jiu said, “A demon like you should be cultivating immortality. Because you truly have no desires for this world, but I, in my past life, dragged you into this mundane world.” He paused, then said, “Perhaps it was because you had no desires that you were easily pulled into the mundane by my past life. Maybe he was so good to you that you realized such things existed in this world. That’s where your desire came from.”

“But your desire, however, is extremely selfish.” Ji Jiu smiled. “Because you only want the Shen Qingxuan who is good to you.”

Yi Mo furrowed his brows, thinking for a moment before asking, “What’s the difference?”

Ji Jiu looked into his eyes seriously and said, “If you liked my past life and sought me out, you should face my present self. You know that the Ji Jiu before you is Shen Qingxuan, so you should accept both his good and bad.” He paused, then grasped his hand. “But up until now, as long as you and your father are good to me, what about my bad? Does that not make me Shen Qingxuan anymore?”

He gripped the hand tightly, not allowing him to escape. Ji Jiu raised his voice and asked, “So, do you like Shen Qingxuan, or do you like the good he gave you?!”

Yi Mo lowered his head and looked at their hands clasped together. He stared for a long time before looking up and saying lightly, “You know you’re the reincarnation of Shen Qingxuan, so you have pity. But when you lie beneath me, is it because you like me, or because you like my feelings toward Shen Qingxuan?” He paused for a moment, then added, “Do you like me, this demon, or do you like the way this demon pursues Shen Qingxuan? Have you figured that out?”

Ji Jiu was stunned for a moment, both of them looking at each other with confusion in their eyes.

Do you like that person, or do you like the feeling? Or rather, did you fall in love with him, or fall in love with the love he gave?

Yi Mo continued asking, “Do you like me, because Ji Jiu likes me, or because the reincarnation of Shen Qingxuan likes me? Can you tell the difference?”

With that one question, Yi Mo almost dragged Ji Jiu, who was standing on the shore, back into the vortex.

It felt like Ji Jiu had reached a dead-end, but suddenly he woke up with a jolt. What Yi Mo said made sense. Shen Qingxuan’s pursuit had indeed moved him, but if he didn’t have even a little bit of affection, how could he still be here, entangled with him and talking to him, after all the bad things he’d done?

Ji Jiu nodded and answered firmly, “I can tell the difference.” Without realizing it, he admitted that despite everything, he still liked him.

“The one who can’t tell the difference is you,” Ji Jiu said. “You want the good of Shen Qingxuan, but you don’t want his bad. Don’t you know? Whether it’s good or bad, it’s still Shen Qingxuan!”

As he spoke, Ji Jiu felt powerless, unsure if it was because of frustration or sympathy for the two people in this situation. He just felt helpless.

Lying back down on the bed, Ji Jiu limply draped his arm over his face, almost pleading, “Please, if you want to find Shen Qingxuan in the next life, be more proactive. Do something. Whether you tie him up, kill him, or if he refuses you, strangle him. If he doesn’t accept you, chase after him and explain until he goes mad… Whatever works, just don’t be passive, doing nothing, waiting for Shen Qingxuan to do everything. If he can live for a thousand years, then he’ll spoil you for a thousand years. But he can only live for so long—how can he spoil you like that every lifetime? And if you don’t accept his bad, how can you get his good?”

His words were filled with helplessness and anger. Yi Mo lowered his body, embraced his shoulder, and pulled him into his arms. He truly didn’t know how to distinguish Ji Jiu from Shen Qingxuan. Even though he had once successfully identified that the angry words were from Ji Jiu, and that Shen Qingxuan would never get angry with him. But now… what was the difference?

Yi Mo could almost imagine how he felt. He had never been happy, had he?

But even with this unhappiness, in the end, he still fell in love with himself.

Although the way he treated Shen Qingxuan was different, what was the difference between that and enduring and being tolerant?

Wasn’t it, in a way, “spoiling you inexplicably”?

Yi Mo held him, thinking silently for a long time. He liked this Ji Jiu, which meant he liked the reincarnation of Shen Qingxuan. Similarly, he liked this affection.

Yi Mo said, “Are you really that concerned that I call you Shen Qingxuan instead of you?”

Ji Jiu opened his eyes, wondering how he could ask such a question. “I have many things to do, things that this life’s Shen Qingxuan must do. How can I just be your Shen Qingxuan?”

“Then if you didn’t have to do these things, would you be my Shen Qingxuan?” Yi Mo asked.

Ji Jiu chuckled, “I don’t know if I could, but at least, I’d make you pay back all the debts you owe me before I let you go.”

“So, what do you care about?” Yi Mo said. “What’s the difference between me calling you Shen Qingxuan or Ji Jiu? You don’t deny that you’re Shen Qingxuan.”

Ji Jiu sighed.

“Because I know that you don’t call me Ji Jiu because you don’t like this Ji Jiu who’s been bad to you all this time. If you liked me, what difference would it make if I call you Shen Qingxuan? That was my past life.”

“But Shen Yue said, I’m not worthy of being his father.”

Ji Jiu chuckled, remembering the fight with Shen Yue, and realized that his empty heart hurt again. Slowly, he said, “Because I’m bad, I’m not worthy of being his father… You all say Ji Jiu is Shen Qingxuan, but when Ji Jiu is bad to you, you all shout that I’m not worthy, separating Ji Jiu and Shen Qingxuan.”

“Maybe none of you really accept me,” Ji Jiu said淡淡, remembering the moment Shen Yue pointed a sword at him. At that moment, he asked, if I’m Shen Qingxuan, would you point a sword at me?

No, no one had truly taken him as Shen Qingxuan and treated him with equal respect and love, accepting both his good and bad.

None. While he tried to accept them, because he didn’t do well enough, he only got this result.

Ji Jiu felt a slight sting in his eyes, as if something was about to fall, but quickly closed his eyes and said nothing. He had died at the hands of his “bad” self.

Yi Mo was silent.

Perhaps Ji Jiu wasn’t wrong. Yi Mo had never said a word about the past, never told Ji Jiu, “I liked your past life, so I came looking for your present life.” Perhaps, subconsciously, he was rejecting the bad side of himself.

But Yi Mo had never thought about it. This was the first time he heard Ji Jiu say it, the first time he remained silent in response. He didn’t know what the truth was.

He didn’t know if the truth was what Ji Jiu said: to love Shen Qingxuan but only like the good side of him. So, who was Shen Qingxuan? Wasn’t the bad side still Shen Qingxuan?

In this short time, Yi Mo couldn’t figure it out, so he just held him, asking himself in the quiet passing of time: If he had been proactive from the start, maybe things wouldn’t have ended up like this.

Ji Jiu’s headache had become unbearable. He muttered, “Daylight’s here, walk away yourself. No more sending you off.” He immediately fell into a deep sleep.

Yi Mo held him, responded quietly, and didn’t say anything else. He just held him, feeling the heartbeat from the chest against his.

After a night of drinking and venting, Ji Jiu quietly fell asleep.

He slept deeply, and as the day gradually brightened, he didn’t even realize Yi Mo had left.