The three idiots who couldn't become heroes are preparing a man's meal today as well. - Chapter 111

Episode 111. The Black Beast Wants Seasoning

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“Hey, you ready?”

When I called out, my companions hidden around us silently nodded in response.

Alright. Just another day on the job.

Thinking that, I glared at the few carriages stopped ahead of us.

Painted on the side of those carriages was the emblem of a fairly famous merchant company from the city up ahead.

Looked like they were resting the horses—three Walkers stood on watch while the rest sat lazily around a campfire.

They were completely off guard. Only three guards.

I felt my mouth curl up into a grin without realizing it.

If we hit that caravan, we’d probably walk away with a decent haul—money, food, maybe even some gear.

While quietly reaching for the sword on my hip, I heard—

“Are we really good to go…? I’ve been hearing rumors lately… about some ‘Black Beast’ showing up around here.”

One of the crew voiced his worry.

A round of snorts and laughter broke out from the rest of us.

Just another campfire horror story.

Like telling kids they’ll get eaten by monsters if they misbehave—meant to scare people into being good.

Even if it’s a new tale going around, it doesn’t mean squat to us.

“Wanna back off then? We can go tell folks, ‘Oh nooo, the big scary Black Beast made us poor bandits run away~'”

“When you put it like that… yeah, nah.”

“Right?”

The guy who was worried just a second ago now locked his sharp eyes onto our “prey” like a hunter.

Everything was set.

I flashed a few hand signs to my crew, nodded once, and we all scattered into position.

All that was left was to wait for the signal.

As soon as that obvious cue came, we’d rush in and overwhelm them in one go.

Simple, clean plan.

And the target? They’d have no chance of resisting.

“Agh!?”

“Sarah!? What happened!?”

“President! A blowdart! Get Lady Sarah back to the carriage!”

Sounds like the “signal” came early.

“Let’s go, boys!!”

“””UOOOHHHH!!!”””

With a roar, we all burst from our hiding spots, surrounding the group as they panicked and looked around in confusion.

Too late. There’s no way out for you now.

“Yo. Good evening, Mr. Rich Merchant.”

“Who the hell are you people!? What did you do to Sarah!?”

The fat old man who shouted turned beet red with anger.

Wasn’t he the one they just called “President”?

If that’s the case, jackpot.

And the girl trembling in his arms wasn’t shaking from fear—her body was spasming like she’d been dosed with something nasty.

“Let’s make a deal, pops. You see this? Know what it is? That’s the antidote to the poison she was hit with. You might wanna act fast—last guy who took a hit from this stuff didn’t even last ten minutes. A little girl like her… how long you think she’s got?”

“You filthy bastard! Have you no shame!?”

“Dahahaha! Shout all you want! Oh, and you Walkers better not move either—if I get startled, I might crush this antidote bottle by accident.”

I held up the tiny vial and gave it a firm squeeze for show.

The Walkers grimaced and slowly backed off from their weapons.

“You get what we want, don’t you? Leave everything you’ve got. Walk home empty-handed. Oh, but we’ll keep the girl here with us. Just as a little insurance. Go back to town, gather up some ‘allowance’ or whatever, and we’ll give her back safe and sound. Might be a little… fuller in the belly, though.”

I tossed that line out casually, and the boys around me burst into raucous laughter.

The fat old man, meanwhile, looked like steam might shoot out of his ears, face twisted with fury and eyebrows pulled tight.

“Don’t screw with me! Don’t underestimate merchants! We’ve got antidotes, and we’ve hired a healer too! No way we’re giving in to scum like—”

“You could test that theory, but I wouldn’t recommend it. That poison’s from a specific magical beast—and the antidote only comes from that beast. Try some cheap knockoff medicine and whoops, they’re dead anyway. You hear that kind of story all the time. Whether it’s the wrong cure or just bad timing, makes no difference. Even a healing mage wouldn’t get there in time—unless it’s some super high-tier miracle worker. So? Gonna abandon the girl right here? Or take our deal and come back with more goodies? Better decide fast—she’s lookin’ pretty rough.”

I swirled the little bottle for emphasis.

All the while, the girl hit by the blowdart was convulsing violently, now foaming at the mouth.

Yikes… this might actually go south if we don’t wrap this up quick.

“You guys have two choices right now! One, give up the girl and fight us! Two, hand over the luggage and the girl in exchange for the antidote! Now then, choose quickly—”

“Third option: we beat the crap out of you and take the antidote.”

“Hah?”

A voice suddenly called out from behind. When I turned around, a pitch-black something was standing there.

Since when has it been there? I hadn’t felt a hint of its presence.

Not even the sound of its breathing. Until it spoke, I didn’t notice it at all.

Just what is this guy…?

As I was thinking that, pain exploded across my face.

It felt like my neck was going to snap. After hitting the ground, my head spun so badly I couldn’t move.

What the hell just happened?

My blurry vision shook violently, but their—no, those guys’ voices rang clear in my ears.

“Nishida, what’s the verdict?”

“Yeahhh, it definitely looks like the real thing, but… no good. It’s been out too long and got ruined from exposure. Smells awful.”

“Tch, told you not to use crap like that for negotiations. Saint-samaaa, your turn. He was talking some real nasty threats earlier, so hit him with the strongest thing you got.”

“Yes! I’ll use detox magic and healing magic together!”

Still dazed from the situation, I suddenly saw a brilliant light as a girl’s voice rang out—and then…

“M-My injuries…”

Even though it felt like my face had been smashed in earlier, now it was completely healed like it never happened.

Not even the pain remained.

“I-I’m sorry! I accidentally healed the enemy too!”

Looking up, I saw a girl in ill-fitting clothes and armor apologizing frantically to the black-armored man.

So that guy punched me, and that girl healed me, huh.

My mouth twisted into a grin.

“You bastards! Kill them all! Capture the girl—she’s a premium one!”

“Uwoooo—huh?”

“What are you guys doing, hurry up and… go…?”

I thought something was wrong with my eyes for a second.

I’d been staring the whole time, but the number of enemies had increased.

The black-armored guy with the twin spears and the girl who used healing magic were still there.

But now, flanking them, were a small beastkin woman and a huge, burly man.

Both were clad in jet-black armor that blended into the night.

“Nishida, status?”

The man in front peeked over at us and called out.

“Hmm, looks fine. As expected of Saint-sama—always reliable. Here ya go, little lady and Daddy… that’s right, right? Drink this, it’ll calm you down. The girl should gargle first.”

“Th-Thank you…”

“Um… who are you people?”

A dazed voice came from behind me, prompting me to turn around.

There, another man in the same black armor was casually handing a canteen to one of the “prey.”

“You son of a—don’t screw with me! You guys, get these—”

“Not a good idea to take your eyes off your prey in the middle of a ‘hunt,’ y’know?”

That voice came from far too close.

When I whipped my head back around—BAM—my face got smashed in again.

It hurt. Way beyond just hurting.

This time, I was sure my neck had snapped.

The impact was enough to send me flying, and I lost consciousness right there.

Looks like the girl didn’t bother healing me this time.

……….

“Man, sorry about this. Even gave us some of your seasoning supplies.”

“No, it’s really nothing… Actually, that smells really good, doesn’t it?”

“Want some? It’s magic beast meat though.”

“Magic beast!?”

Well, yeah. That’s the reaction I expected.

Watching the familiar reaction with a bit of nostalgia, I gave a quick rundown of the situation.

How we used a teleportation magic circle and got dumped in some unknown forest, how there was a country—or rather, a group?—that concluded eating magic beast meat didn’t turn people into demons.

It’s not officially announced yet, so maybe I shouldn’t go shouting about it, but…

Basically, we’ve been eating it for about a year and we’re still human, y’know?

Wait… now that I think about it, all we talked about was how we got here and the meat.

Aren’t we coming off super suspicious…?

“A merchant must be the first to get their hands on anything that looks like it could turn a profit… I’ll dig in!”

“Father!? We still have no proof they’re telling the truth! You’re being far too reckless!”

“Silence, Sara! They are our saviors, and they are even offering us a meal! If you go to unexplored lands and turn down food just because it’s ‘unknown,’ you’ll never be able to do business there!”

…Sorry about that?

But it really does seem fine, honestly.

So, when I offered him a freshly grilled skewer, he swallowed hard and stared at it intently.

Just as he opened his mouth wide and was about to take a bite—

“Wait! At the very least, please show us your faces properly! Prove to us you’re not ‘demons’! That woman over there has horns!”

『That’s incredibly rude! I am not a demon—I am a Dragonkin! Would you look at a human with bedhead and ask, ‘Are you a beastman?’ That’s how insulting you are! Behold this magnificent tail!』

“Hii!?”

“Kana, shut it. Also, if someone goes out in public with bedhead that aggressive, they’re the one at fault. And put your tail down—just because you’re wearing pants under your skirt doesn’t make it decent. Your skirt’s flipping up.”

『But Kitayama? I’m a Dragonkin… a new race, you know…』

“Self-proclaimed, for now. Sit down and behave.”

『Sniffle…』

“Kana, calm down. Okay? Let’s eat.”

Soothed by the Saintess, the dragon girl started gnawing on her skewer.

Good, good. Just stay quiet like that.

Just like how different jobs have different standards, trying to force your own views on others won’t end well.

So for now, best to follow their standards while we’re here.

“Alright, here you go. This good enough?”

“Hmm? Should we take off our helmets too? Alrighty then.”

“Hnn, jushh a shecond—”

“Kitayama-san, what should I do…?”

“Azuma, swallow first. And kid, you just keep eating, alright? Eat up.”

“Okay!”

And so, we all took off our helmets.

What appeared from underneath were a bunch of normal-looking guys.

I wish I could say we were all handsome studs or something, but…

“Um, you all… look like ordinary humans.”

“Black hair and black eyes, how rare.”

Yup, figured that’d be the reaction.

We all look totally average.

Meanwhile, Minami, the only one who already had her face out, was still munching on her skewer without a care.

Well, it is grilled chicken with sauce for the first time in ages—even if it’s just regular meat we got from these folks, I can’t blame her.

But even the rescued kid managed to pick up on the mood, so you should try joining the conversation too, buddy.

“Anyway, that’s how it is. If you’re willing to trust us, go ahead and give it a try. If you can’t, no pressure. If you’re willing to share more regular meat, we’ll cook it up ourselves.”

Saying that, I put my helmet back on and refocused on the skewers in front of me.

This time, we were grilling bird and bear meat.

There must be a lot of bears in this region’s forests—we’ve got a decent supply.

Back in Japan, I might’ve wondered, “What’s bear meat even like?” but after trying it… it’s amazing. The fatty bits are sweet, and it pairs perfectly with seasonings.

We even tried making sukiyaki with it once. It was so good, we were practically fighting over it.

Today, it’s grilled skewers—with that amazing meat and Minami’s favorite, chicken.

We’d gone overboard using our expedition stash of spices on the bear meat and were in despair… when we ran into these people.

We got soy sauce, mirin, cooking sake—by the barrel.

Is this really okay? Seriously?

We owe everything to that slightly chubby papa who gave us those seasonings. We are not worthy.

So, tonight was a grilled skewer party.

We used both the magical beast meat and the “normal meat” we got for those who were wary, and even the merchants’ guards joined in.

No alcohol, though.

“But still… calling it ‘magical beast meat’ does make me uneasy…”

While the young lady still looked uncertain, her father was acting pretty suspicious…

Shouldn’t someone stop him?

He’s sneaking around! Hey, daughter, is this fine?

As I glanced at him, exasperated—

“Ah—wait! Father!? We still haven’t confirmed it’s safe… Ugh! You always reach for food the moment it’s in front of you! You’ve already eaten half of it!”

“Delicious!! This is amazing! What kind of magical beast is this!? So juicy, with flavor bursting in every bite. Just smelling it makes my mouth water! The seasoning is excellent too… Makes me crave a good beer. Ah, excuse me—would it be possible to grill some without marinade? I want to savor the pure flavor of the meat as well.”

“There you go again! That’s exactly why you’re gaining weight! Please try to show some restraint!”

The banquet grew louder and rowdier from there, lasting for quite a while.

Long enough that the bandits we knocked out woke up, and even they started grumbling from hunger.

I don’t care. You guys get nothing.

Eat some jerky or something.

And so, we ended up traveling with the merchants we saved.

When we told them we were lost, they immediately offered to guide us to the next town.

This world is amazing.

Even giant strays like us get taken in.

We’re truly grateful… or so I thought, as we were hired to guard their wagon on the road.