The three idiots who couldn't become heroes are preparing a man's meal today as well. - Chapter 19

Episode 19: Thorough Investigation

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“Yo, good work. We’re done over here too.”

Rotating their shoulders with a grin, the members of “Wind of War” returned. The goblin extermination in the rear had also been completed.

There had been a second wave after that, but they managed to handle it without any major issues.

“Good job. No problems here either. Having Poal around was a huge help—she’s a solid member.”

“Glad I could be of use.”

“Leader… these guys are crazy… The way they use people is crazy…”

Poal looked utterly exhausted, as if her very soul had been drained. She had been ordered to throw knives through the smallest gaps and called to the front lines multiple times for support. The strain was clearly visible on her face.

Sorry about that, but you really helped us out.

“So, what’s next? What did the blonde girl say?”

“Ah… well, about that…”

Kyle averted his gaze awkwardly.

I let out an exasperated sigh.

Looks like something happened at the frontlines… I really don’t want to deal with this, but I guess we have to check it out.

“Let’s take a break for now. We should probably hear them out.”

“Yeah, I’d appreciate that. Things on their end… are a bit beyond me.”

With an ominous feeling growing, we made our way deeper into the cave to regroup with the vanguard.

It wasn’t a long distance—we’d meet up soon.

That’s why I wasn’t worried at all.

And now, just seconds later, I wanted to punch my past self for being so naïve.

“Would you care to explain?”

“Ah—well, you see… this kind of thing happens sometimes, you know?”

“…Sniff. Don’t look at me… Damn rookie…”

The scene before me was… a disaster.

The party members of “Battle Princess,” who were supposed to be comrades, were looking at their leader with contempt.

And she—curled up against the wall, hugging her knees—had completely shrunk into herself.

Even in the dim lighting, it was obvious.

Her crotch was soaked.

Uh, yeah.

What the hell happened?

Why did she piss herself?

“There was a big one among them. Probably a mutant.”

“A Hob?”

“No, not that bad.”

Apparently, five goblins had attacked from the front.

One of them had been a “mutant.”

The moment that was realized, the rear-line mages panicked, and their formation fell apart.

With buffs failing to reach the front, the young lady lost her temper, yelling, “All you useless lot can do is support, and you can’t even manage that!?”

Yeah, that’s a great way to make people hate you.

Especially in a situation like this, where everyone’s already on edge.

“And this is the result?”

“Yeah, well… She got pinned down by the ‘mutant,’ and we stepped in to save her… you know?”

You know? No, I don’t know.

Well, at least the worst-case scenario didn’t happen.

But… goblins in this world also kidnap girls for… you know, stuff?

I mean, if they didn’t, she would’ve been killed the moment she got overpowered.

“What are you talking so casually for…? A lady is in distress, and you don’t even offer a hand? This is why rookies are just—”

“You should just go home already. You’re in the way.”

“…Hah?”

The blonde girl looked up at me with an expression that said she had no idea what she had just heard.

I mean, isn’t it obvious?

“Kyle, let’s escort this lot back to the entrance first. I hate wasting time, but they’re useless like this. No, worse than useless—they’re in the way. So we’ll have them withdraw for now. You guys can set up camp near the entrance or something.”

“W-Wait a minute, Rookie! Are you trying to declare me unfit for battle!? Who gave you the authority—”

“Shut up, you brat. I don’t know how much noble prestige counts for, but does it reach all the way into the depths of this cave? We’re here to do a job—rescue people. We don’t have time to change a spoiled little lady’s diapers.”

“Wha—!?”

The blonde girl’s face turned bright red as she shot to her feet, clearly furious at my words.

At least she still has the energy to stand. That means she can walk. Good, let’s get her out of here.

“Kyle, I don’t have much real combat experience. If you notice anything off, let me know immediately. Can I leave issuing commands to you?”

“The fact that you don’t have much combat experience makes no damn sense to me, but fine, got it. That said, you should still handle the overall orders—you seem better at leading than me. If something seems off, I’ll make sure to speak up.”

“You sure about that…? Well, whatever. Alright, we’re going to adjust individual positions instead of sticking to party formations. First up—”

“Hold it right there!”

The so-called noble lady, who had pretty much become part of the background, suddenly stormed toward me with an expression of pure fury.

Uh… could you stop? You reek of ammonia.

“What is with you!? You keep acting like I’m completely useless! I’ll have you know, I’m a higher-ranked Walker than any of you!”

“Yeah, well, you’re still useless.”

“Guh…!”

I guess she couldn’t completely deny it given the situation. She stumbled over her words.

Behind her, her party members stifled their laughter.

“You guys too. You’re useless, so get lost. You’re supposed to be support, yet all you’ve done is run away. Honestly, you’re worse than useless—you’re a liability.”

“W-What!? We were forced into this—”

“Because of noble privilege? Even if that’s the case, you dragged the rest of your party into this. At the very least, do your damn job. I get that you’re fed up with this selfish little lady, but that’s no excuse for failing your responsibilities.”

I shot a glare at the hooded men.

They went silent.

Seriously? This is the kind of party she brought?

I half-expected them to attack out of sheer pride, but they just hung their heads.

“Pathetic… Look, I get that mages can find themselves in situations where they can’t cast magic. That’s common in online games. But your situation is completely different. You can’t even protect a single little girl? She pissed herself but still stood at the front lines, while you lot were trembling in the back. If that’s all you can do, then you’re better off gone.”

“On… online games? But we— We’re here because we haven’t been given a fair evaluation…”

“What the hell do you mean by ‘fair evaluation’? Adults who abandon a kid and run away have no value. From where I’m standing, all of you are failures. You need to go back to square one and build some guts. If magic won’t work, then use your fists. If you can’t even do that, you’ve failed as ‘men’ too.”

“……”

No further arguments came.

I’d completely forced my opinion on them, but at least the situation had settled.

Alright, problem solved.

Now, let’s throw these guys out of the cave and continue our exploration with just me and Wind of War—

“What… do I have to do… to be allowed to stay?”

“Hah?”

The blonde noble, who had been quiet up until now, suddenly blurted out something incomprehensible.

This isn’t about ‘allowing’ or ‘not allowing’ you. You’re going back to the entrance.

“What do I have to do!? For you to let me come with you!?”

“Nope, not happening. Go home already. If you were family, I’d be spanking your ass for this nonsense.”

I tried to throw out some random words to shut her down, but it seems that was a mistake.

The next moment—

She grabbed the hem of her skirt, yanked it up along with her armor, and presented her rear to me.

Right in front of me—her ass and underwear.

What the hell just happened?

Staring at the unexpectedly cute pink panties, I found myself utterly dumbfounded.

“Go ahead! Spank me as much as you want! Just let me accompany you!”

…You okay in the head?

Why the hell are you so desperate to follow us?

It’s not like I’m going to report you to the guild for quitting mid-mission, so just put your ass away already.

“Leader, leave this to me.”

As I struggled to process the situation, Airi stepped forward.

Right.

It’s best to let a fellow woman handle this kind of thing.

If I laid a hand on her, it’d turn into a whole other mess.

With that in mind, I gladly stepped aside.

If I laid a hand on her, it’d cause all sorts of problems.

As I stepped aside to let Airi take over—

“Fufufu… I’ve always wanted to kick one of these arrogant noble ladies at least once.”

“Oi, wait. That sounded way too ominous. And did you just say ‘kick’?”

“Don’t worry. I won’t use ‘Body Enhancement’… Now, here goes!”

With those words, she delivered a well-executed kick.

A resounding WHAM! echoed through the cave.

Airi’s boot—reinforced with metal plating for close combat—landed squarely on the noble girl’s shapely backside.

Oh… yeah. I should’ve stopped her sooner.

“Fugyaaahhh!?”

A horrific scream tore through the air as the blonde noble collapsed on the spot, twitching in pain.

I hope her butt didn’t split into four.

“Th-Then… does this mean… you’ll allow me to accompany you?”

Tears brimming in her eyes, the girl clutched her sore bottom and looked up at me.

Uh… yeah. Sorry about that.

“…If you follow my orders, then fine.”

“I-I promise.”

And just like that, the noble’s party was now under my command.

Hooray…?

No, not really.

Honestly, this is more trouble than it’s worth.

“Then, ‘Wind of War’ can go back if you want. I’ll even give you a ride.”

That’s why I decided to push him a little.

“Just kidding. If we ran away here, our reputation would drop to rock bottom.”

“I see. That’s reassuring.”

It seemed like this job wasn’t at the level where they’d consider running away.

Honestly, this kind of judgment is always the hardest part.

In an online game, you could just check a strategy guide. Beasts usually acted in predictable ways.

But monsters? That’s a whole different story.

I’ve heard that even goblins have the intelligence of a child when they attack.

They’re about the same size and strength as a human child, but they always come in large numbers.

That’s terrifying, isn’t it?

They possess the same level of intelligence as a human child, with physical capabilities that are no less than ours.

But on top of that, they have the instincts of a “monster.”

The absolute urge to “kill humans” and “take from those in front of them.”

If we’re talking about their height, they’re probably around the size of an upper elementary school kid?

That’s an age where understanding improves, but curiosity is still boundless.

From what I know, kids at that age can be shockingly cruel.

They torment others just for fun, out of pure curiosity.

And in some cases, they can push someone to their death without a second thought.

That’s the kind of age group we’re dealing with.

I only know this from news reports and stories I’ve heard, so it doesn’t feel entirely real. But even so, it’s enough to make me see them as truly dangerous creatures.

“Alright, from here on, we’re going full-on extermination mode. No risk of getting attacked from behind. We’re changing formation.”

“Got it, Leader.”

“Even you, Kyle? Don’t call me Leader.”

“Hahaha! But you are pretty reliable, aren’t you?”

“I’ll take that as sarcasm.”

“You’re not very honest, huh?”

With that casual banter, we reshuffled our formation.

From here on, it was a full-scale battle.

We needed to systematically clear out every side path as quickly as possible.

“I’ll be at the front with Nishida, Kyle, and the young lady. Mid-line will be Azuma, Poal, and Airi. You guys are our insurance if anything breaks through, and you might need to provide backup. Rear guard is the mage unit, with Riri at the lead covering everyone with his bow. Then there’s Zaz…? Old man, you’ll handle magical attack support and rear surveillance. Also, if the other mages start freaking out, give them a wake-up call.”

“Master, what about me?”

Minami’s voice came from nearby.

When I looked down, our adorable little supporter was brimming with enthusiasm, practically radiating “Ready to go!” energy.

“Minami, your job might be the hardest. Your main task is prepping weapons near me or Nishida. If Azuma’s shield is in danger, you’ll have to run over to him. You might be running around constantly… Can you handle it?”

“Leave it to me! I am Master’s slave, after all.”

“Then here’s an order. ‘Do not die.’ If things get bad, prioritize your life over the job. Run, hide, survive. Got it?”

“Yes! If that is Master’s wish.”

“Good. Then don’t stray too far from me.”

“Understood!”

With everyone’s roles assigned, we retraced our steps.

Our target was the last branching path. That’s our starting point.

“Alright, guys! Ready? We’re gonna storm in and take everything!”

“Hell yeah! We’re wiping them all out!”

“Nishi-kun, remember, our goal is to rescue people, okay?”

“Your choice of words already makes you sound like a bandit… But at this point, whatever. I’ll follow, Masters.”

“Man, this party really never gets boring.”

Throwing out whatever lines they felt like, everyone rushed toward the first branching path.

I hoped our target was there… but if not, we’d have to systematically clear every route.

Physically, that was the last thing I wanted, but now that I was the one giving orders, I couldn’t afford to show weakness.

I just hoped we’d find the client before we ran out of stamina.

With that thought, we charged into the side path.