The three idiots who couldn't become heroes are preparing a man's meal today as well. - Chapter 20

Episode 20: Joint Party and Takikomi Gohan (Boiled seasoned rice)

“Nishida! Young Lady! No need to finish them off—aim for the legs! If they can’t move, Kyle will handle the rest! Poal, take out the archers and mages first! Riri, provide support if possible! Azuma, Airi—don’t let a single one through the back!”

“Understood!”

With their responses, we charged into the deepest part of the side path.

With this many people moving together, it was impossible not to be noticed.

So instead, we advanced cautiously, then, the moment we spotted our targets, we rushed in all at once.

It was a rough way to fight, but probably the fastest.

Ahead of us stood a group of a dozen or so goblins.

Each one was armored, armed with weapons, and some even carried staves or bows.

I didn’t know much about magic, but archers were a serious pain.

So—

“Uraa! Minami, spear!”

“Yes!”

Before Poal and Riri could make their move, I threw my sword at them, taking down a few in the process.

I’d been hunting wild birds by throwing weapons for a while now—there was no way I’d miss when my targets were this big.

Besides, I vaguely remembered seeing goblins getting hit with thrown weapons back when I was on “the other side.”

“Still, with this many of them, my weapons are running low…”

“Young Lady-san, jump back!”

“Huh? A-ah, right!”

The moment she followed Nishida’s order and leaped backward, a goblin’s thrown weapon flew right past where she had been standing.

Seriously… Had goblins always used this tactic? Or did they just copy what I did?

I wasn’t sure, but I really didn’t want them learning too much about my style.

“Kou-chan!”

“I know!”

The rest of the goblins raised their weapons overhead, clearly preparing to throw.

Give me a break.

In this dim lighting, a barrage of thrown weapons would be a disaster. Forget injuries—it could be lethal.

“Young Lady, fall back to the mid-line! Kyle, use your sword as a shield! Azumaaaa, your turn!”

“Got it! Minami-chan, two large shields!”

“Right away!”

Following my orders, Young Lady retreated, and Azuma rushed forward, holding up two massive shields.

The shields were so large they nearly covered Azuma’s bulky upper body.

For the goblins, watching their own weapons bounce harmlessly off those massive shields must’ve been terrifying.

“Nishida! Minami!”

“On it!”

“Yes!”

We moved behind Azuma, using his massive frame as cover.

With him blocking the front, and Poal and Riri taking care of any stragglers at a distance, our job was clear—handle the ones still clustered together.

“Almost there! Three… two… one—uraaa!”

At the signal, Azuma swung his shields down, crushing two goblins instantly.

That left four.

The moment Azuma abandoned his defensive stance, Nishida and I charged from the sides, rushing toward the remaining goblins.

Thanks to Azuma, we made it in safely.

And at this distance, there was no way we wouldn’t hunt them down.

“Let’s go!”

“Too slow!”

We lunged forward, stabbing at the goblins’ legs.

Spears buried into their thighs—we twisted them for good measure.

Most creatures can’t move properly after that.

Even if they could, the pain would slow them down significantly.

These goblins were oddly well-equipped.

That included their armor.

But since they weren’t wearing human-sized armor, they only had helmets and chest plates—leaving their arms and legs exposed.

So we aimed for the legs.

Our strategy was simple: immobilize them, then let the stronger members finish them off.

“Last ones!”

“I’ll take the right!”

Nishida and I threw our weapons at the final two goblins.

The blades didn’t just pierce their legs—they went clean through.

With hideous screams, the last goblins collapsed to the ground.

“Alright, Kyle. Start from the edge.”

“Already on it, Boss.”

When I turned around, Kyle was mercilessly bringing his greatsword down on the heads of the writhing goblins on the ground.

It looked more like a brutal game of whack-a-mole than actual cleanup.

“Man… sorry. This scene is kinda awful.”

“Yeah, I know. So don’t say it. Just stay back for now. They’re not dead yet.”

“Want a hand?”

“Let me do this much… Didn’t get much action today.”

As he spoke, Kyle crushed another goblin’s skull—helmet and all.

He wasn’t wrong. In a battle like this, powerhouses like him and Azuma didn’t get many chances to shine.

Azuma did stand out in the end, but up until then, all Kyle did was block incoming weapons with his sword.

Maybe Kyle was feeling a little left out.

Well, if that’s the case, I’ll leave it to him. I wasn’t exactly eager to go smashing goblin heads myself.

“So… this path was a bust, huh?”

Looking around, the space was just a slightly wider part of the tunnel.

Aside from the goblins, there was nothing else here.

That left two other paths.

If they were also packed with goblins like this one… yeah, that’d be rough.

Mentally, if nothing else.

Physically, too, depending on the person.

Especially the Young Lady’s party.

“Smells awful, but maybe we should rest here for a bit.”

“Wait, Master.”

Just as we started clearing the bodies and settling down, Minami stopped us.

Her ears twitched, and she peered intently at one of the walls from different angles.

Did she find something?

“What is it? A hidden passage?”

It felt a bit too much like a game, but the rock wall looked perfectly normal to me.

What exactly did she notice?

“Um… I hear voices beyond this wall. I can’t make out the words, but I’d say there are about three people.”

“…Huh?”

“Uh… seriously, thank you so much.”

Back at the cave entrance, we were being profusely thanked.

The voices Minami had heard behind the wall…

Turns out they weren’t buried or in a neighboring room.

They’d used earth magic to create a barrier and hide.

They had rescued a kidnapped noble lady deep in the cave, but the enemy forces were overwhelming, so they had holed up.

At first, when Kyle explained, I imagined some kind of magic barrier—but apparently, it was a more brute-force approach.

“That said, only a mage of Young Lady-sama’s caliber could create a wall that solid.”

Or so I was told.

The noble lady and the two mages assisting her had collapsed from mana exhaustion.

That left only three armored guards, who had been rationing their preserved food to survive.

The mages were still too weak to move from hunger, and while the guards were standing, they were clearly on their last legs.

They’d been swaying for a while now.

“Alright, let’s eat.”

“Boss, you’re not planning to feed noble folk magic beast meat, are you…?”

“I’m not that crazy.”

And so, we got to work.

I sent Nishida and Azuma on another task while Minami, Airi, and I started cooking.

At first, the guards seemed to think we were just going to share our rations.

Their expressions when they realized we were actually cooking were something else.

“We’re using wild greens and rice this time. You’re not gonna tell me wild greens are ‘tainted’ by magic beasts, right?”

“No worries, Kitayama-san. In fact, wild greens from magic beast territories are considered delicacies.”

“I don’t get it…”

Airi explained it right away, but…

Mandrake, was it? That radish monster.

Vegetables it grew just felt like part of its body to me.

Well, whatever. No point thinking too hard about it.

“Kyle, you guys had dried meat, right? Mind sharing some?”

“I don’t mind, but—”

“Can we have some too!?”

Before Kyle could finish, Poal jumped in with an almost desperate enthusiasm.

Wow, she must have really wanted some.

Well, considering she was practically drooling, it made sense.

“Alright, then give me a little extra. I’ll make enough for everyone.”

“I’ll give you all of mine if you make some for the trip back too!”

“Can’t guarantee we won’t be eating magic beast meat on the way back… but yeah, I’ll think of something.”

“Yes!!”

With boundless energy, Poal pulled out a bag stuffed full of dried meat from her pack.

Hmm, this should be more than enough.

Time to Cook

First, I dumped a large amount of rice into an oversized pot.

I had no idea how much everyone would eat, so I went with three pots’ worth.

It almost wiped out my rice supply, but sometimes you just have to go big.

Zaz-oldman could produce water with magic, so I had him act as a makeshift faucet while I washed the rice.

Meanwhile, Minami prepared wild greens, and Airi diced the dried meat.

That meat must have been seriously tough, considering the heavy THUD sounds echoing from the cutting board.

I just hoped those weren’t the result of her brute-forcing her way through it…

“Kou-chan, we’re done!”

“We dropped it off at the entrance to the split like you said.”

Right in the middle of cooking, Nishida and Azuma returned from their errand.

Good, more hands to help.

“Hey, Boss, what exactly did they do? You said we’re leaving the rest of the goblins alone, but…”

“Oh, we left them a little ‘feast.’ Probably so good it’ll send them straight to ‘heaven.’”

What they left behind was, quite literally, a dish we made.

A slab of roasted meat, seasoned with Nishida’s special “spice blend,” topped with powdered red herb.

That “spice blend” included a certain mushroom listed near the back of our medicinal herb manual.

No taste, no smell, and looked pretty normal.

Apparently, hungry wanderers sometimes mistook it for edible, with… fatal results.

“Hey… that mushroom in the seasoning. How many skull icons did the book have on it?”

“About five?”

“That’s deadly poison!!”

“Exactly. This way, they’re all taken care of in one go.”

“You’re ruthless, man…”

Kyle shot me a horrified look, but I wasn’t about to care about inedible enemies.

If they were food, I wouldn’t poison them—but goblins weren’t on the menu.

I thought I might feel something about taking down humanoid monsters, but after surviving in the wild for weeks, I guess we had become completely desensitized to killing threats.

Wild how fast you get used to it.

Humans, though… that might be a different story.

Back to Cooking

“Anyway, enough of that. Azuma, make tempura. Nishida, miso soup. No meat for dinner tonight.”

“Ehh…”

“I’ll make some for a late-night snack, alright?”

With that promise, they got to work.

Now, for the rice.

Less water, a splash of soy sauce, mirin, sake, and a dash of grated ginger.

Since the dried meat was already salty, I went light on the soy sauce.

I tossed in the chopped meat and veggies, closed the lid, and turned on the heat.

Now, all that was left was to wait—easy.

“Hey, Kita-kun, I’m using eggs for the tempura. You know, that? They’re from magic beasts, right?”

“…Oh.”

I had completely forgotten. Both Nishida and I turned to look at Airi.

“Umm, as long as the creature hasn’t been officially classified as a magic beast, it’s not considered ‘tainted,’ so… it’s safe!”

“I swear, these classifications make no sense…”

It felt like I was listening to someone justify a weird food aversion.

Well, if it’s safe, might as well take advantage of it.