The three idiots who couldn't become heroes are preparing a man's meal today as well. - Chapter 22

Episode 22: The Report

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(Adventurer Branch Guildmaster POV)

“Haaaaaaah…”

A long, drawn-out sigh echoed through the room.

Why did things always have to move so unpredictably in so many different directions?

It wasn’t a bad change—in fact, it was a good one.

But still, it was far too sudden.

“Even the Battle Princess, the client, and even Airi… they all do as they please.”

The paperwork piled up, the workload increased, and my mind swirled with too many thoughts, making my stomach ache.

If this keeps up, I’m going to start growing white hairs.

First, the matter of the Battle Princess’s party.

That selfish young lady had completely calmed down and reported in with an unexpectedly composed demeanor.

That was fine—until she suddenly announced that she was refusing her share of the reward.

She wanted her portion to be distributed among the other parties instead.

On top of that, she officially registered all her previously “supporter” party members as full-fledged Walkers.

And then, she declared that she was disbanding the Battle Princess’s party.

How did it come to this?

She reassured me that she would support her former members so they wouldn’t suddenly find themselves without work, but that wasn’t the issue here.

Despite her difficult personality, the Battle Princess’s party was fairly well-known among the nobility.

Being an all-female group, they often received requests for guarding noblewomen.

Since she herself was of noble status, she was able to handle such clients with minimal trouble.

And yet, that entire structure was now crumbling.

She wasn’t quitting as a Walker altogether, so that was a relief.

But without a party, I couldn’t assign her to those kinds of escort missions anymore.

We were already short on manpower, and her rank—C—was precarious without the support of a party.

Her combat ability relied heavily on support magic, and she had risen in rank due to the party’s collective achievements.

“I don’t mind if my rank is lowered. In fact, I intend to start over with a fresh mindset. Please proceed with the disbandment process.”

That was all she said before leaving.

What exactly had happened? She had promised to explain in detail later, but still…

Next was the matter of this request’s client.

The father of the rescued noble daughter had burst into the guild, clearly flustered after hearing the story from his daughter.

When someone is abducted by goblins, they rarely return in a “clean” state.

Some return carrying monster spawn, some come back broken in mind, some return on the verge of starvation—or worse, as lifeless bodies.

I braced myself, thinking he had come to file a complaint, believing his daughter had suffered one of those fates.

“I truly appreciate it… Thank you. My daughter’s chastity was protected, and even her guards returned unharmed. I expected her to come back battered and broken, yet instead, she returned more lively than ever, constantly talking about ‘Hearty Eaters.'”

“T-That’s… well… I’m glad to hear she’s doing well.”

“And this ‘Hearty Eaters’ party… I hear they consume magic beast meat?”

“W-Wait… don’t tell me they fed magic beast meat to the young lady!?”

For a moment, my blood ran cold.

Even if they had performed admirably, feeding magic beast meat to a noble’s daughter would be grounds for a hefty penalty.

Sweating nervously, I waited for his next words.

“Oh no, no. They made a splendid feast using mountain vegetables for her and the others. She kept telling me how delicious it was. Hahaha!”

“O-Oh… I see… That’s a relief…”

I felt my whole body relax as the tension drained away.

Good. At least they had enough sense to avoid that mistake.

I let out a deep sigh of relief—only for the conversation to take another unexpected turn.

“That said, Guildmaster, what is your stance on magic beast meat? You know, the claim that it turns people into demons?”

“Ah, well… We are still investigating that. They’ve only been eating it for about a month, and so far, none of them have shown any changes from ‘human’ status. If things continue like this, we might be able to announce that magic beast meat is safe to consume. But that won’t be for another six months to a year at the earliest.”

“That long, huh…”

“Err, is something the matter?”

“Well, you see…”

Apparently, the rescued noble daughter had taken a great liking to the members of “Hearty Eaters.”

She was determined to issue a request specifically for them—one that included camping out.

And beyond that—

“If they’re the ones cooking, then magic beast meat must be delicious! I must try it!”

—she wouldn’t stop insisting on eating it.

Wait. Hadn’t she just returned from a harrowing rescue?

Normally, she’d be so exhausted that she’d spend several days bedridden.

Why was she this energetic?

“If things continue like this, she’ll probably issue the request behind my back and demand magic beast meat on her own. That’s why I’d like you to send me reports on the effects of consuming it. Of course, we’ll compensate you for it. The sooner we can confirm it’s safe, the sooner I can let her eat it… Otherwise, our head chef might just collapse from the stress.”

“S-She desires it that much…?”

How had things come to this?

The situation with “Hearty Eaters” was already a heavy burden on me as it was.

And yet, more and more work just kept piling up…

“Well then, I’ll be counting on you for this. I mean it.“

Emphasizing his words, he left the guild, placing more than double the originally agreed reward amount on the table.

It was understandable that he was overjoyed his daughter had not only returned safely but was brimming with energy. But this was too much money.

It felt almost like a bribe, though all reward money—minus the handling fee—would go directly to the Walkers.

In other words, both Hearty Eater and Wind of War were about to receive an absurd amount of compensation.

Now I had to prepare additional paperwork for the extra reward—justifying why it was paid, ensuring it was legitimate, and a whole list of other administrative headaches.

My workload just kept growing.

—

“Branch Chief! I’m back!”

As I buried my head in my hands, Airi walked into the room with an even lighter aura than before.

At this point, she was practically back to being a full-time Walker. Any trace of her receptionist demeanor was completely gone.

“You’re back, Airi…”

“You look really exhausted. Ah, here’s my report~! Well then, I’ll be off!”

“Hey.”

I stopped her before she could walk right out the door. I needed details.

“Can’t we go over the details later with everyone? We’re having a celebration tonight, and I wanna get back quickly.”

“Listen, Airi. You are a guild employee. You’re temporarily joining Hearty Eater, remember?”

“Hmm… Maybe I should just quit and join Hearty Eater for real…”

“Please, for the love of everything, don’t do that.”

The guild was already short-staffed, and now she was throwing around terrifying ideas.

And it wasn’t just anyone—Airi was one of our most competent employees.

If she actually quit, the receptionists would riot.

“Fine, you can submit your report later… But next week, you’re back at the reception desk. We’re swamped.”

“Ugh, but I’m one of the test subjects! I need to stay with them!”

“…You really enjoyed being a Walker again, didn’t you?”

“Of course! It was fun and delicious!”

“…I see. Regardless, next week you’re working at the guild.”

“I’ll go ahead and write my resignation letter then.”

“DO NOT DO THAT.”

After that ridiculous exchange, Airi left with a carefree spring in her step.

What remained was the report she had left behind.

It was absurdly thick, but I had to read it. I also had a mountain of other work to do.

Ugh… Why was this happening?

No—there was no point in complaining.

I needed to get through this report and move on to the next task.

Shaking off my frustration, I opened her report.

What I found inside was—

—

On the first day of the expedition, they encountered various magical beasts, including Shadow Wolves, Big Boars, and Horned Rabbits.

Running into that many beasts in a single day was unusual, but since they were actively using a special type of medicinal herb to lure them in and hunt them down one by one, it was understandable.

Their fighting style was fairly simple, but there was an undeniable something beyond their level at play.

They would likely gain some kind of Title before long.

And then—

—

The more I read, the less I understood.

Were they simply strong? Or was it the influence of the magic beast meat?

Yet they hadn’t turned into demons, nor had the enslaved girl suffered any negative effects.

If anything, she seemed to be growing healthier by the day.

That was the only notable change recorded.

“Hm?”

The beginning of the report covered their combat abilities, personalities, and activities in detail.

But partway through, the tone completely shifted.

—

Today’s meal: Teriyaki Wolf Meat Burgers.

A perfect balance of soy sauce, mirin, and cooking sake, grilled to a crisp perfection.

Combined with fresh lettuce and sautéed onions, it was an absolute masterpiece.

At first, I was hesitant about eating wolf meat, but once I took a bite, the firm texture released waves of umami with every chew.

When I asked for seconds, Kitayama-san made another without a hint of annoyance.

I think I might be falling for him.

For the second burger, he even added cheese. It was incredible.

Apparently, they have a magic bag with a time-stop function, so the buns were just as fluffy as when they were freshly baked.

This is bad. I don’t think I can go back to working reception.

The food is amazing, the company is fun, and this party is so comfortable to be around.

Everyone has their own role, and they all support each other seamlessly.

It’s rare to see a party with this much camaraderie.

—

…What the hell was I reading?

“Oi, what kind of report is this?”

Today’s meal: Hornbison steak.

Apparently, this steak is lightly pierced with a fork and infused with butter.

Furthermore, during the preparation stage, it’s seasoned with salt, pepper, and various herbs.

At this point, it’s already clear—this is the good stuff.

When asked whether I wanted bread or rice as my staple, I simply replied, “The same as everyone else.”

And finally, the thick steaks were placed on the iron griddle.

As the sizzling sound filled the air, stimulating my appetite, soup was being simmered beside it.

It was already over for me—I could no longer hold back, my stomach growling pathetically.

It’s embarrassing as a woman, but no one in the party paid it any mind.

Even if I am past the prime age for marriage, I have no intention of abandoning my femininity. But in moments like this, I feel like this is fine.

The atmosphere is just that comforting.

And then, the cooking progressed even further—

“Seriously, what am I even reading…? Whatever, let’s keep going.”

I was told that after adding oil to the pan, it’s crucial to immediately throw in thinly sliced garlic and heat it carefully to avoid burning.

Then came the extra butter—Juuaaa!—a delightful sizzling sound accompanied its addition.

Kitayama-san seasoned it with soy sauce, flipping the steak after just about a minute.

Of course, it was still mostly raw at that point, but apparently, that’s how it should be.

He occasionally lifted it from the griddle, allowing the residual heat to cook it further. It was a rather meticulous process.

After repeating this for a while, the final dish was placed in front of me—

“Gulp… Why the hell am I reading this right before a meal…?”

A thick-cut garlic butter soy sauce steak, served with sides of carrots, potatoes, and broccoli.

For the vegetables, I was given the choice of mayonnaise or the same sauce used for the steak.

As I hesitated over which to pick, they told me, “There’s more if you want, so just try both.”

Damn, I really like this party.

On top of that, there was a heaping serving of pure white rice and a bowl of onion soup.

Since the meat was quite rich, they made sure the soup had a light and refreshing taste.

After everyone said their pre-meal thanks, I finally cut into the steak—

The moment my knife slid in, I understood.

This is what a real steak is.

Even though it was cooked to about medium, it was incredibly tender.

The knife sliced through effortlessly, and from the cut, the rich aroma of beef and sauce wafted up.

Taking a bite, I was met with the steak’s deep umami flavor, instantly overwhelmed by the sheer intensity of the sauce.

The butter had seeped in, making it luxuriously rich, while the rendered meat juices carried a concentrated depth of flavor.

And the more I chewed, the more satisfaction it brought.

Honestly, this might be the best steak I’ve ever had.

According to Kitayama-san, there are even more marbled cuts available.

If I ever get to try those, I can’t even imagine how incredible they’d be.

And yet, even this was already more than enough.

And the seasoning paired perfectly with the rice.

Meat, rice, meat, rice—before I knew it, I had fallen into a blissful cycle.

Still, after a while, my mouth inevitably felt coated with fat, and that’s where the soup came in—an absolute masterpiece.

It had a refreshing taste, yet an underlying depth of flavor.

Apparently, in addition to onions, they used various herbs, trimmings from other magical beasts, and wild vegetables packed with umami.

It was unbelievably refreshing.

I could probably drink just the soup forever, but right now, my priority was the steak.

With my palate reset, I took another bite of that heavenly meat—

“Uaaahhh! I can’t take this anymore!”

Without thinking, I threw the report across the room.

This is bad. This is something I have to read, but at the same time, something I shouldn’t read.

My mouth was practically drowning in saliva.

Damn that Airi… writing in such excruciating detail about food like this.

Just reading this is making me starve.

The guild cafeteria should still be open. I’ll fill my stomach first—then I’ll read the rest.

“…Might as well grab some late-night snacks while I’m at it.”

……………………

………….

….

Muttering to himself, the branch chief stood up from his seat.

If he could eat without a care in the world, he’d honestly love to crash their after-party right now.

The struggles of the Walker Guild’s branch chief continue.

As long as Airi keeps traveling with them, this relentless onslaught of food reports will never end.

At this rate, even he might just cave in and start eating magic beast meat himself.

That’s just how ridiculously mouthwatering Airi’s reports always are.