The three idiots who couldn't become heroes are preparing a man's meal today as well. - Chapter 29

Episode 29: Dashbird

---

“No changes, huh?”

“Unfortunately, yeah. Not even a level up.”

Leaning back into the sofa in the branch chief’s office, I handed over everyone’s cards.

How many times had we sat down like this for a conversation?

Not that there was anything enjoyable about two guys hanging out in a closed room together.

“What’s the plan for next week? Same place as usual?”

The branch chief tilted his head as he handed the cards back to me.

Honestly, sometimes I wondered if we were really getting paid every month for such simple investigations.

But hey, if they were giving out money, I’d gladly take it.

“Next week, I’m thinking of changing locations. Besides, Airi’s coming over, right? Last time, she wouldn’t shut up about how she barely got to do anything outside the city.”

“Yeah… that’s true. Guess we should let her out in the field this time.”

“You make her sound like some kind of caged beast…”

Because of the rainy season and the whole incident with Gil, the last camping trip Airi joined had ended up being pretty uneventful.

And then last week, she had gone back to the guild, while we had done our usual run through the forest, checking our equipment.

“By the way, I get that your gear is good, but… couldn’t you have picked a different color?”

“Why? It’s super useful for moving around at night.”

I knocked on the jet-black armor that Thoor and the others had made for me.

This thing was amazing.

It was ridiculously light but still incredibly sturdy. Even if it got a little warped, it would return to its original shape after a while.

Sure, the price had been outrageous, but I’d say it was worth every coin.

Even now, they were working on new weapons and tools for us.

The expenses were piling up fast—no matter how much money I had, it was never enough.

Once we had all the equipment we needed, I’d have to start saving up again…

“Well, it’s a bit late to be complaining now. Anyway, I got the plan for next week. Stay safe. Let me know once you’ve decided on the location—I’ll prepare maps and info on the local beasts for you. My jurisdiction only covers ‘what happens after you leave the city.’”

“…Hey, that wording’s bothering me.”

“You’ll find out soon enough. Actually, if your timing is bad, you might even find out today.”

“You bastard…”

With that unsettling remark, I left the branch chief’s office.

That smug grin on his face as he refused to answer my question—it had trouble written all over it.

No doubt about it.

I was still grumbling about it as I made my way down the stairs toward the dining hall where the others were waiting.

But when I arrived—

“Ah! You’re finally here, Kitayama-sama! I’ve been waiting for you!”

“About damn time, Kitayama! What the hell did you stick to my arm?!”

Along with my troubled party members, I was greeted by two particularly loud individuals.

“Ahh, right. The lady from that last request. Your name was…?”

“Iris Dea Fortia, of course!”

“Iris Dea… uh…”

“Just Iris is fine.”

“Oh, uh, okay.”

The tiny noble girl—apparently named Iris—leaned in aggressively.

I was pretty sure she’d introduced herself last time, but I’d completely forgotten.

She was the young lady we had rescued during that goblin extermination mission.

I’d heard that she’d visited us several times after that… but I hadn’t expected to run into her face-to-face.

“So! You’re going camping, aren’t you?! You are, right?! Please, let me join—”

“I must respectfully decline, and I suggest you keep your fantasies to your dreams, my lady.”

“Wh—?!?!”

I cut her off immediately and turned my attention to the other person.

No worries—I actually remembered this guy.

A few weeks ago, we’d taken on a request, thrown him into the mountains, and helped him grow a spine.

The formerly hopeless coward known as Gil, or rather, Spineless Whatever-His-Name-Was.

Now, he was clad in full-body armor, looking all serious like a proper Walker.

“Hey, Kitayama. You told me, ‘Leave the prosthetic arm to me,’ didn’t you?”

“Yeah, I did. And I already got a report from Thoor—he said he made something amazing.”

“Are you kidding me?! Look at this! Where the hell is this a prosthetic arm? This is just a full-on weapon!”

“Dude, it looks badass! What the hell are you complaining about?!”

His left arm was gone from just below the elbow.

But at least he still had the elbow, which was lucky.

And somehow, he’d decided to return to being a Walker.

So when I proposed a bold idea for his new arm, he actually agreed.

And now, behold—when he unwrapped the cloth he had been using to hide it, what emerged was a menacing, heavy-duty claw.

Apparently, with the right mana control, the wrist could still move properly.

Long story short—his left arm was now a weapon.

And just like our armor, it was completely black.

“You expect me to live my daily life with this hand!? It’s way too inconvenient!”

“Oh!? Rather than swinging a weapon with a prosthetic hand, isn’t it a stylish touch to make the prosthetic itself a weapon? It’s easier and stronger! Or what, are you worried you won’t be able to gently hold your wife with that hand? Nishida, Azuma! We’ve got a normie here!”

“”Alright, let’s kill him.””

“Everyone, please calm down…”

Just as things started to get out of hand, a crisp clapping sound echoed through the surroundings.

Turning toward the source, we saw Airi standing there with an exasperated expression.

“Alright, if you keep making a fuss, we’re moving this elsewhere, okay? Gil-san? Thanks to that arm, extermination requests have been going a lot smoother, haven’t they? You’ve made a solid recovery, so I don’t think you have any right to complain, do you?”

“Ugh!”

Gil fell silent, looking like he had swallowed something bitter.

See? Told you it was a capable prosthetic.

“Kitayama-san? A prosthetic limb is something that affects a person’s daily life. If you let your hobbies get the better of you, you’re going to make someone miserable one day, you know? This time, there were benefits, so I’ll let it slide.”

“Ugh!”

Now I was getting scolded too.

But it was useful, wasn’t it!? I almost spoke up, but Airi’s eyes weren’t smiling.

Her face was smiling, though.

Yeah, no. This is one of those dangerous moments. If I say anything here, I’m definitely getting hunted down.

“Well, if you’re still unsatisfied, you two can talk it over—more quietly—some other time.”

Saying that, Airi handed me a piece of paper.

She was radiating intense pressure, as if to say, “Focus on this instead.”

“Uh… What’s this? A request form?”

Collection Request

• Secure at least three Dashbird eggs.
• Additional rewards available for higher quantity or quality.

Reward

• 5 gold coins

Deadline

• Needed for a banquet at the end of this month.
• Please deliver with as much time to spare as possible.

“What’s a Dashbird?”

“It’s a large, fast bird. Its eggs are also massive, so transporting them is difficult without a magic bag. Plus, it’s a magical beast, so it’ll attack you. Only a Walker capable of escaping with the eggs while being pursued—or one strong enough to defeat them—can handle this job. And, of course, you’ll need the ability to track down their nests.”

Judging from Airi’s explanation, it sounded like an ostrich or something.

I’d never seen one before, so I had no idea if I could actually hunt it.

I mean, where even are the ostriches around here? I haven’t seen a single one since I got here.

“You guys said you were changing locations this week, right? So I thought, why not complete a request along the way and make some extra cash? Plus, Dashbirds aren’t exactly easy to handle, so you won’t be returning to town for a while… Hmm, let’s just camp out for two weeks! Sounds good, right? Let’s do it!”

Ah, so that’s your real motive.

Just how much do you hate your receptionist job?

Letting out an exasperated sigh, I noticed the others peering over at the request form.

Even Gil, for some reason.

“Ostrich, huh… I wonder if it tastes good?”

“I’ve heard their eggs are edible, but I’ve never heard of eating the bird itself.”

Yeah, I figured as much.

Nishida and Azuma tilted their heads as they read over the request.

Ostrich, huh? Given how much they move around, their meat is probably pretty lean… but is it tasty?

It’s still a bird, so maybe it has a light, mild flavor?

“Master! It’s a bird! A bird! I want to try it!”

“Minami, you really love chicken, huh… But we don’t know if ostrich tastes good.”

“We’ll find out once we eat it! Plus, we have ranged weapons now!”

“Well, that’s true.”

Ever since the day she had fried chicken, this kid has changed.

Her favorite food? Chicken.

Fried chicken, oyakodon, yakitori, chicken nanban, and more.

She’s completely turned into a chicken-loving girl.

And ever since getting a crossbow, hunting chicken has become way too easy.

Well, as long as she eats properly and doesn’t get picky, she can eat as much as she wants.

She’s still growing, after all.

“You guys… You really do eat magical beast meat, huh? You said something to Sophie at first, didn’t you? Ever since then, she keeps asking me, ‘So, have you eaten any magical beast meat yet? How was it? Was it tasty?’ like, nonstop.”

“Ahhh… Yeah, my bad. I was just testing her reaction, but… she still suspects you?”

I guess asking his wife, Sophie, “Would you still love your husband if he turned into a demon?” wasn’t the best idea.

Plus, after the last incident, the term ‘Hearty Eater’ has become synonymous with magical beast eater.

It’s no wonder she’s worried.

If her husband got involved with us and ended up unknowingly eating some weird creature, I can understand why she’d be concerned.

“Every time I come home now, she asks me with a smile, ‘Husband and wife are bound together. If you ate it, then I will too. So hurry up and bring some back—I’m curious about the taste.'”

“I keep telling her I haven’t eaten any, but—”

“Wait, hold on. Isn’t Sophie-san just totally on board with this? Sounds like she just wants to try it for herself.”

“When I passed by your inn, I saw both of you staring at a dish made from magic beast meat… It was tough stopping her.”

Turns out Sophie-san is a lot more adventurous than I thought.

Well, I suppose it makes sense. She’s been supporting this wimp for years, so of course, she’d be strong.

So basically, she’s gotten curious about magic beast meat, and now her husband gets nagged about it every time he comes home.

Yeah, not my problem. You two can figure that out yourselves.

“Well, the Guildmaster is looking into things right now. Maybe wait until we have results? It wouldn’t be funny if we all turned into demons and had to say, ‘Welp, guess we’re magic beings now!'”

“Don’t say that like it doesn’t involve you…”

Honestly, it’s too late to do anything about it now.

It is what it is.

Since eggs and wild plants are considered safe, I doubt it’ll be an issue.

Still, since we can’t guarantee anything, I’d rather not increase the number of test subjects.

“U-Um…”

Iris-jou, who had been quiet this whole time, timidly raised her hand. (-jou used for addressing a lady, princess or similar)

Is she going to ask to join us for camping again? Because that’s a hard no.

“Would it be alright if I put in a request as well? Um… for the Dashbird eggs. I’d like to try them too.”

Surprisingly, it was just a normal request.

“Sure, I don’t mind. But we haven’t officially accepted the job yet, and we don’t know how many eggs we’ll find, so you’ll have to wait and see.”

“That’s fine! I’ll offer a platinum coin as a reward—”

“That’s way too much.”

Even a few gold coins would be more than enough.

If I start accepting platinum coins, I’ll lose all sense of money.

That said, when you factor in food expenses, weapon maintenance, and labor costs…

Maybe tens of thousands per job isn’t actually unreasonable?

We are literally risking our lives, after all.

I still don’t have a good grasp of market prices.

Our current equipment costs a platinum coin just like that.

I guess that’s to be expected for four people’s gear.

If other adventurers have similar price ranges, maybe the reward is actually on the lower side.

Weapons break, armor bends.

I highly doubt a few gold coins per quest would even cover the repair costs.

Back on the “other side,” a full set of armor could cost millions.

But that was just modern pricing for “display pieces.”

How much did they actually cost back when wars were common, and people swung swords and spears around?

I have no clue.

“Master? Is something wrong?”

Noticing my thoughtful hum, Minami tilted her head up at me, black cat ears twitching adorably.

I couldn’t resist placing my hand on her head and giving her a good ruffle.

“Nah, I was just thinking… I still don’t know if the rewards for these jobs are high or low. I need to study more.”

“This is a noble’s request, and they’re offering gold without even naming a specific contractor. So it’s actually a pretty good deal… As long as we have a strategy for Dashbirds. But Master and the others will be fine, of course!”

“Hope so… Hm?”

“What is it now?”

Still ruffling Minami’s head, I slid my fingers down to her fur tips.

Hmm.

I’m no expert in beauty or hair quality or whatever, but I can at least tell this much.

“U-Um…”

Minami looked up at me uncertainly, but I just flashed her a grin and turned to Airi.

“Everyone seems fine with it, so we’ll take the request. And hey, I’ll handle the preparations, but can I leave Minami with you for a bit?”

“Oh? And what exactly do you mean by that?”

Airi smirked knowingly, waiting for my answer.

She’s totally going to say, ‘About time you noticed.’

“A salon… or a barber? I don’t know what it’s called here, but I want her hair taken care of. It’s grown out a lot, and the old damaged parts are getting more noticeable.

Might as well clean it up before we head out.”

“Eh, no, um! I’m fine! I can just use a knife or something—”

“Nope, Minami-chan. You have to listen to your leader.”

“Aww…”

And so, with Airi holding her arm, Minami was dragged off yet again.

Well, time to get ready.

“I wonder if the next place has any new herbs or wild plants… I’ll go grab some materials from reception.”

“Ostrich meat… I wonder if it’s good? Oh, hey, Kita-kun! Let’s buy a smoker! You said you wanted jerky, right?”

Everyone started moving on their own, doing whatever they wanted.

Looks like I’ll be in charge of spices and seasonings again.

Not that I mind—it’s always my job anyway.

“You guys are so carefree…”

“You want to come along next time?”

“Oh, if there’s an opportunity, I’ll tag along.”

Gil looked exasperated, but he still left the guild with that line.

Alright, time for me to head out, too.

Just as I got up—

“Kitayama-sama! I’ve submitted my request! Please take this!”

Iris-jou handed me a brand-new request form.

Reward: Five gold coins.

…Hey, uh.

Am I gonna get yelled at by Iris’ father later?