The three idiots who couldn't become heroes are preparing a man's meal today as well. - Chapter 38

Episode 38: The Truth About the Hero and the Witch’s Embarrassment

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“Hey, explain yourself.”

“…Sit down first.”

The next day, we returned to the guild.

The letter delivered by the Dearbird had “Emergency Request” written on it.

Honestly, my first thought was again? I even considered just ignoring it for a second.

But the moment I read the simple request details, a surge of anger hit me so hard I nearly crushed the letter in my hand.

“We didn’t tell the branch chief, but we’ve got a secret. That’s why we—”

“You weren’t summoned as heroes, right? So they labeled you as failures and tossed you aside. I already got Airi’s report.”

“Then—!”

“I get it. I get why you’re pissed and why you’re questioning why this request even reached you. That’s why I’m asking—let me explain. Sit down first.”

“Tch!”

I didn’t bother hiding my irritation as I slammed myself down in my usual seat. Naturally, the rest of the team gathered around.

It was the first time we’d ever cornered the branch chief like this, and yeah, the pressure clearly got to him. But after a single cough, he sat down in the chair across from us.

“First, let’s go over the request. This comes directly from the king. The guild has no right to refuse. The job is to gather a minimum of fifty skilled Walkers or high-ranking parties. These fifty will then join the royal knights and the ‘Hero’ to deal with a Stampede. Here’s the list of base and bonus rewards.”

He slid the paper toward me, but I smacked it off the table without even glancing at it.

Yeah, rude as hell.

But the branch chief just let out a sigh and didn’t say anything about it.

“So? You’re telling us to obey the king—the same bastard who summoned us here and threw us away?”

“Don’t jump to conclusions. Aside from Minami, you’re all from another world, right? First, let me explain the Stampede.”

Stampede.

Heard that one in MMOs and anime before.

Turns out it’s pretty much the same thing here.

It’s when too many monsters pile up in a dungeon and end up spilling out into the world.

And if some upper-class monsters or unique variants get mixed in, they don’t scatter—they band together and attack towns or villages.

That’s exactly what’s happening now.

Multiple upper-class monsters had been spotted, and the total number was over 500.

“A dungeon… huh.”

“So they do exist.”

“I’m not much of a gamer, but I’ve heard of them.”

“Treasure… jackpot?”

Everyone except Minami was clearly intrigued by the idea of dungeons.

Yeah, I was curious too—but now wasn’t the time.

“So, what? The king wants us to obey his orders and go die against 500 monsters?”

“Of course not. This is nothing but a farce to show off the ‘Hero.’ A horde of monsters, Walkers struggling to hold them off… then the Hero swoops in and saves the day. The knights cheer, the crowd goes wild.”

“What a load of crap.”

“I agree. But this could be our chance to see what this so-called ‘Hero’ is really capable of.”

Okay… didn’t expect that take.

I always thought the ‘Hero’ was treated like humanity’s savior or beacon of hope in these kinds of worlds.

Or… wait. Maybe I was just assuming that?

But didn’t they say something about the Hero fighting the Demon King?

What was that about?

“Let me clear something up first—there’s no such thing as a ‘Demon King’ in this world.”

“…Hah?”

“Demonkin do exist. Every few years, a small number shows up. But most of them look like beggars, as if they’re fleeing from somewhere. That’s why people started speculating there’s a Demonkin nation out there—maybe even ruled by a powerful ‘king.’ But it’s all just rumors.

“If such a country does exist, then sure, there’s probably a ‘king’ ruling over it. But a Demon King straight out of a fairy tale, waging constant war against humanity? That’s never been confirmed.”

…Hold up.

No Demon King?

Then what’s the point of having a ‘Hero’?

Is this one of those cliché “secretly evil government” setups?

Like, “Use the Hero’s power to boost military strength!” or whatever?

But something that obvious would get exposed eventually.

Unless… is the Hero himself in the dark about all this?

And what happens when he finds out? Would he snap?

I mean, look at us—back in our world, we were nobodies, barely scraping by.

Then suddenly—bam—summoned to another world.

Pampered and fed luxurious food.

Imagine living a life surrounded by beautiful women.

And the occasional battle.

It ends easily, like a game, and after casually showing off how I’m the strongest, I return to the castle.

Waiting for me is a life without a single inconvenience.

If this were a game or a story, it’d be painfully cringe.

But when you’re freed from oppression and placed somewhere that accepts everything about you…

Can a person really resist that kind of temptation?

Reaching the age where people call me an old man, with no girlfriend, no money.

If a chance for a turnaround landed right in front of me, I might not be able to resist.

Like a drug, I might get addicted.

“You seem deep in thought, but I’ll keep explaining, alright? There’s no ‘Demon Lord,’ but a ‘Hero’ is still necessary. Of course, having one’s useful in war, but no country has the time to fight others when they’re busy dealing with monsters and dungeons. Maybe a bigger country with more breathing room could afford it. But why does a hero matter then? It’s all about prestige. They can boast, ‘Our country has a hero,’ and it helps them negotiate deals with other nations. Plus, heroes are known as ‘bringers of good fortune,’ so every country wants ties with one.”

What is that, like a Zashiki-warashi or something?

Isn’t the Hero’s buff supposed to boost overall combat power?

If they wanted to use that for war, I’d get it. But just to put them on display?

That’s like treating a supercar like a showroom ornament.

“So we got summoned here for a really dumb reason. Makes sense though—if they want a showpiece, a bunch of nobodies like us would just ruin the view. We were basically the dust on the showroom glass.”

“Don’t be so bitter. You guys are Walkers, not just some decorative heroes. And if I remember right, your party—no, your ‘clan’—is called Hearty Eater,’ one of the elite groups selected for this branch. That’s why I won’t allow you to speak ill of yourselves.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever, old man. Your soft side’s just creepy. So, what do you want us to do?”

When we finally got to the real reason, the branch chief flashed a downright nasty grin.

“Wouldn’t you like to crush this so-called ‘Hero’ right from the start—or better yet, strip that ‘King’ of his precious dignity?”

“…Huh?”

The plan the branch chief laid out was beyond stupid.

Like a childish prank—just messing with someone who’s in the spotlight.

But for us, it was the revenge opportunity we’d been waiting for.

“I’m in.”

“Fuhaha! I knew you’d say that! It’s a direct request from me, so expect extra pay! Make that self-centered King choke on his arrogance!”

Though honestly, the whole plan was a long shot.

If the ‘Hero’ turned out to be more competent than we expected, it’d be over before it started.

And if the branch chief’s guess was wrong, the whole operation would be a waste of money.

Still, we took the job.

Not like we were aiming to turn against the country.

We couldn’t afford to become criminals here.

We’d made too many friends—enough that we actually cared about not causing them trouble.

But a little payback?

Surely that much is allowed.

The next day, we were lined up in front of some shady-looking building, about to undergo something called a “Magic Appraisal,” all for the sake of protecting—well, more like clearing the way for—the ‘Hero’s’ big debut.

A castle?

That’s what it felt like, seeing the fancy mansion in front of us.

We were all just frozen there, not sure what to do.

The people getting appraised were me, Nishida, Azuma, Minami, Shiro, and Nakajima.

Basically, most of the “other side” members.

Airi already knew her affinity, and the dwarves? They just scoffed, “Obviously, dwarves align with fire and earth,” and didn’t even show up.

I would’ve liked some veterans along, but nope, everyone bailed.

So here we were—total newbies—clueless about what to do next.

“There’s no doorbell… no bell or knocker either. Should I just yell?”

“Big-ass gate…”

“And the house is huge too.”

“…Magic academy?”

“Yeah, it does kinda have that vibe.”

“Um, Master, what should we do?”

While we were having that conversation, the stone statues on either side of the gate suddenly spoke.

And no, it wasn’t some guy miming as a statue.

I touched it—solid stone.

Yet somehow, it opened its mouth and spoke.

“Stop loitering in front of the gate and just come in already. It’s not locked.”

It was a woman’s voice, even though the statue was of a man.

Maybe it’s one of those dual-voiced types? Kinda cool, honestly.

Well, whatever.

“Excuse us for intruding!”

“Whoa, the yard’s huge!”

“Look over there! It’s got a pool or something!”

“…I wanna live here.”

“Nah, a place this big would be hard to relax in… plus, the property taxes must be insane.”

“You all… seem pretty relaxed about this.”

Chatting away, we crossed the massive garden and bam! swung open the mansion’s front door.

“‘Scuz mee! Anyone home?!” we called out in our usual way as we stepped inside.

“Oh my, what lively little ones you are. Welcome to the ‘Witch’s Manor.’ You’re here for a magic appraisal, I presume?”

The dimly lit room was filled with candles, some of which were even floating in mid-air.

Magic’s wild, man.

While marveling at that, I looked ahead—and there she was, the witch.

A crystal ball sat at the center of her desk, and behind it sat a woman in a pointed hat.

Her lines were straight out of an old-school script, but… the reality was on a whole other level.

“What’s wrong? Are you scared of a witch? I won’t bite, so sit down already, young ones.”

With that, she stood up and gracefully waved her hand. Instantly, enough chairs for all of us appeared out of thin air.

But that wasn’t the important part.

The witch herself was.

What the hell—she might be the most dangerous person I’ve met yet.

“Masters? Is something wrong?”

“I’m sensing… impure thoughts from almost everyone.”

“N-No! I mean, yes, she’s a beautiful woman, but I’m not… having any impure thoughts or anything…”

Everyone was spouting excuses, but that could wait.

Right now, I need to burn her image into my retinas.

She had that classic witch aura, but her beauty went beyond that—borderline bewitching.

Those droopy, mature eyes with a beauty mark under one. Long black hair, crimson eyes, and bangs covering one side of her face.

And that body-hugging black dress? Absolute chaos—curves for days.

But wait, there’s more.

A slit up to her waist revealing smooth, bare legs, and a dark strap peeking out around her hips.

Could it be…? Yes? Thank you.

“Hey, Witch-san, there’s something I need to say first.”

“Oh? Speak your mind, children.”

Inhale… exhale…

Three deep breaths echoed through the room.

Mine included.

“You’re super hot! I love you, please marry me!”

“You’re seriously dangerous—in the best way! Please marry me, with marriage in mind!”

“You’re totally my type! Can I make you miso soup every day for the rest of your life?!”

We all stuck out our right hands in unison, full-on proposal mode.

Total idiots, all three of us.

She was definitely gonna turn us down or think we were joking.

Damn it, I missed my chance again!

We glared at each other in frustration when—

“U-Um… well. Let me think about it. B-But I’m flattered, really. T-Thank you. I’ll… consider it seriously…”

The Witch-sama, face beet red, sat back down and started fidgeting with her hair, avoiding eye contact.

The dignified aura from before? Gone.

She was straight-up flustered now.

Wait, wait, wait—are we actually in here with a shot?

She said she’d think about it—positively, even!

Yesss! Jackpot!

The three of us fist-pumped in perfect sync.

“…You guys are really… something else.”

“Guess we all have the same taste. It’s gotta be the boobs, right?”

“Masters… this again…?”

The other three hit us with the most disappointed stares imaginable.