The three idiots who couldn't become heroes are preparing a man's meal today as well. - Chapter 39

Episode 39: Magic Aptitude Appraisal

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“Um, well then. I’ll start checking everyone’s aptitude now, okay? U-Um… I hope for good results. So, uh… let’s begin, alright?”

The witch, sounding a bit awkward, started fidgeting with the crystal ball.

She kept sneaking glances at us, so I fired back a sharp double wink—Kachink!

She immediately averted her eyes though.

“I’m going first.”

White sat right down in front of her, completely at her own pace.

Well, that’s just how she is. No problem, though.

“Master, may I have a word?”

“Hmm?”

While Shiro was undergoing her appraisal, Minami quietly called me over.

I braced myself, thinking it was probably another scolding for one of our usual screw-ups.

But instead—

“If you and the others are serious, I won’t stop you. However, she is a ‘witch.’ Witches are known to be close to demons and are generally viewed with fear. They’re not seen as total monsters like demons, but… the sentiment is pretty similar. So, well… I just thought you should think carefully before doing anything reckless.”

It seemed to be a warning for us outsiders who didn’t know much about “this side.”

I appreciated it. Ever since learning we were “otherworlders,” Minami had been patiently teaching us the common sense here.

So, I gave her a pat on the head.

“Um, Master? What… are you doing?”

“Just showing my thanks to Minami for being thoughtful. You made sure the witch didn’t overhear, right?”

“Well, yes. But this is all just based on rumors, after all. It’s not like I fully believe them…”

She fidgeted bashfully.

Man, she’s such a good kid—it warms this old man’s heart.

After giving her another good head rub, I shifted my gaze back to the witch.

Still hot.

But anyway.

She was now staring seriously into the crystal ball.

That was definitely the face of someone genuinely focused on their work.

“Y’know, seeing someone work that hard, and still get lumped in with ‘demons’ or treated like some outcast just ’cause she’s a witch… yeah, I really can’t get behind that. One of the few things I hate about this side.”

Race, titles, social standing—it all plays into it.

Even Minami fits into that. I mean, so what if she’s a beastkin? So what if she’s got cat ears? How’s that a problem?

That’s just how I feel.

Granted, I haven’t tangled much with nobles yet, but if I do, I’m sure it’ll get more complicated.

There are hassles here. Lots of them.

But it still feels way easier to live here than “over there.”

Guess it depends on the person, though.

“Hey, Minami, say… hypothetically, if that witch wanted to join Hearty Eater, would you hate that? Would you leave because you don’t want to be in a clan with a witch?”

“Absolutely not. I would never leave Master’s side. Whether she’s a witch or a demon, if she joins Hearty Eater, she’s an ally.”

“Exactly. That’s what I’m getting at. Putting the clan aside for a second—when making friends, should race really matter that much?”

“…There’s still public perception to consider. But if you all don’t mind, then I have nothing else to say.”

“Sorry for always making things complicated. We’re a bunch of idiots with no sense.”

Minami wasn’t wrong.

Taking in someone society sees as an outcast will definitely make people look at us sideways.

And if we’re fine with it, then every member of Hearty Eater will get painted with the same brush.

That’s why I need to be firm—so no one in the clan gets unfairly judged.

I know that much.

But still… I just can’t see this “witch” as someone who deserves to be excluded.

“You know, I think you guys will be fine. But… um, Master? Is it absolutely necessary for a woman to have… big breasts?”

“…Huh?”

“Like with Airi-sama! And now this time too! Is it that women without big boobs don’t count as women to you guys!?”

Minami suddenly snapped in a totally unexpected direction, leaving me completely flustered.

This was bad. Real bad.

What was I supposed to say?

“It’s not about boobs”?

Would that even sound convincing coming from me?

“No, no, that’s not it! Balance is important, whether you’re a man or a woman. The right balance and aura that suits the person… That’s what really matters…”

“Kou-chan, you’ve always liked big boobs, haven’t you?”

“I almost lost it when you mumbled, ‘Loli with big boobs… not bad,’ back at my apartment.”

“You bastards! You’re all just as guilty! You’re under the same suspicion, damn it!?”

“So, it really is all about boobs!? Do I need to make mine bigger!?”

“Minami, please, stop. Let’s end the boob talk, okay? You’re already super cute and perfectly balanced. Seriously, you’re really attractive. So, you don’t have to be so hung up on your chest—”

“Kita, shut up. The appraisal’s done.”

Just as things were getting out of hand, Shiro called out, giving us a deeply exasperated look.

Behind her stood the witch, blushing furiously while covering her chest.

Ah, geez.

Please, have mercy.

I’m really not used to this kind of thing.

Even with this hellish scene unfolding, the magic appraisal steadily continued.

Let’s get straight to the results.

Shiro had the “Wind” attribute.

If she mastered it, she could make arrows fly farther and with greater accuracy.

Basically, similar to this world’s elves—like Riri the Wind of War or Zaz. That kind of aptitude.

Then there was Nakajima.

His attribute? “Darkness.”

Apparently, it’s perfect for things like magical blinds, debuffs, and stealth maneuvers.

If he gets the hang of it, he might even be able to slip into shadows.

He’s fast too, so we might’ve just unlocked an assassin more skilled than Nishida.

Next was Minami.

Turns out, she has an affinity for “Water.” Plus, thanks to her well-trained body, she’s got a huge mana pool.

The witch even gave her a thumbs-up, saying she could use magic right away if she learned some chants.

She was all hyped, saying, “Now we’ll never have to worry about water during camping!”

But come on, can’t you use it for something a little more exciting?

“Um, after checking again… you three really are ‘Null.’”

“““Huh?”””

Those heartless words were dropped on us just like that.

Oh, dear God, please descend before us at this very moment.

So we can take you down instantly.

“Ahh… Even after coming all this way, we’re still duds…”

“Haha… I really wanted to use magic…”

“We wanted to stand out more, you know? But… it can’t be helped.”

The three of us looked up at the sky.

Of course, we were indoors, so there was no sky, but we looked up anyway, trying to hold back our tears.

Nothing. Once again, nothing.

Are we destined to be nobodies forever?

Fine then. We’ll just go wild in the forest, swinging our weapons like maniacs.

But just as we sulked—

“Y-You are wrong! ‘Null’ doesn’t mean you are talentless! It means you have an affinity for ‘No Attribute’!”

“““Details, now!”””

“Eek!? U-Um… You all are too close…”

The flustered witch explained that “No Attribute” meant having the ability to use raw mana without converting it into another element.

Normally, mana is transformed into an elemental form to cast magic.

For example, Minami’s “Water” converts mana into actual water.

Magic isn’t about creating something from nothing—it’s about converting existing energy (mana) into a different form.

So then, what does “No Attribute” actually mean for us?

“It’s kind of similar to the ‘Body’ attribute. The ‘Body’ attribute mainly focuses on enhancing the body—like temporary muscle boosts or strengthening organs. In the same way, ‘No Attribute’ is said to be magic that strengthens the individual directly.”

“““More details!”””

“Th-That’s all I know… uu…”

Even while being practically dragged around by the others, she continued explaining. Apparently, having the “No Attribute” means we can use mana in its purest form—without converting it.

So basically, we can fire off raw mana as-is.

Whoa, that actually sounds kinda awesome!

So, what can we do with it!?

“I… I don’t know.”

“Wow, that’s a shocker! Wait, huh? You don’t know? Like, at all? No examples?”

According to her, “No Attribute” isn’t that rare.

But examples of people actually doing something with it? Extremely rare.

In short, it’s a dud.

There are plenty of people with it, but nobody really knows how to use it—an unfortunate affinity.

Still, there are some old rumors: someone who pierced a black dragon’s scales with an ordinary sword… or someone who calmly rescued a child from raging rapids… or even someone who could teleport in an instant.

Those kinds of “urban legends” surround the “No Attribute.”

Which means… we still have no clue what we can actually do.

“Non-attribute… an incomprehensible magical aptitude. And we’re the dud tribe…”

“Yeah… we came to this side just to survive. Let’s think of it that way.”

“Magic never existed. Got it? There was no magic, ever.”

The three of us muttered to ourselves, slumping to the ground in utter defeat.

I mean, come on. The stories about non-attribute users basically boil down to “masters” of their craft, right?

I don’t know how tough dragon scales really are, but if someone managed to stab a sword between them, that makes sense.

Saving a kid from a raging torrent? That’s just natural rescue instincts.

And that last one—someone who could move instantly?

Stage magic? Or maybe just a metaphor for someone ridiculously fast.

In the end, it all means the same thing: “No talent for magic.”

The end.

“That’s a liiiiie, badadum tsshhhh!”

“Father ○nazan! W-Why are you watching meee!?”

“My heart is a bo○tle cap!”

The three of us shouted out in weird, incomprehensible language.

Because, damn it, we wanted to use magic.

Isn’t that every man’s dream?

Shooting giant fireballs from your palms, unleashing torrents that sweep away your enemies.

And if you tweak it a bit—Bam! Water cutter. Or melt through diamonds with blazing heat.

Thunder crashing down with a zap, slicing winds cutting through anything—who hasn’t thought about it?

But us?

We can’t use any of it.

This sucks.

“M-Masters! Even without magic, you’re all still incredibly strong!”

“Exactly! You’ve accomplished so much without magic, right? That’s your own strength! Be proud of it!”

“Kita, Nishi, Azuma. Don’t sweat it.”

Encouraging words came from all sides as they helped us back to our feet.

Though honestly, we were completely broken inside.

Like, just put us out of our misery level of brokenness.

“A-Um!”

Suddenly, the witch-sama raised her voice.

It’s fine. It’s all good now.

Just say it.

You guys have no talent.

That’s all I need to hear to move on.

Or so I thought, as I gave her a dry, empty look.

“Non-attribute is, well… still a subject of ongoing research. Which means… if I stay close to you, I can run assessments anytime, and I can even trace any magical residue if you happen to use it. So, um… if what you said earlier wasn’t a lie, I-I wouldn’t mind observing you up close… W-What do you think?”

Wait.

Hold up.

Is this… pity?

Or is it like she says—are we some sort of cryptid to her? Like UFOs or Bigfoot?

Well, technically, we are aliens to this world, so I won’t nitpick.

But, uh, did she just say…

She’ll keep a close eye on us, personally?

Constant observation?

Hands-on guidance?

She’s going to hover over us, carefully tracking every little thing we do?

Sign me up, please and thank you!

The three of us shot to our feet.

Like, spring-loaded, military salute levels of energy.

“Clan ‘Hearty Eater’! We wholeheartedly welcome Witch-sama to the team! We look forward to working with you!”

When I shouted that, all three of us bowed deeply.

“Um, my race is technically ‘witch’ now, but… I’m Annabelle Cromwell. I used to be just a regular human—well, a mage. My specialties are appraisal and enchantments. I can imbue weapons and armor with magic, so I think I can be of help. Um, I look forward to working with you all. Thank you for having me… I’ll be joining the clan, so… please take care of me…”

Her face was bright red as she bowed over and over.

Wait… is this that kind of situation?

Like, potential waifu candidate secured AND she’s insanely skilled?

Before heading into some absurdly dangerous job, this was exactly the morale boost we needed.