The three idiots who couldn't become heroes are preparing a man's meal today as well. - Chapter 52

Episode 52: Romance and Reality

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It goes without saying at this point, but the profession of Walkers is overwhelmingly male oriented.

And that’s no surprise.

Apart from the physical demands, the lifestyle itself is rough—meals are awful, and there’s usually no chance for a proper bath.

Sure, Green and Blue Herbs can help with odor and disinfection, but at the very least, you’d want to rinse off with water.

That’s why, under normal circumstances, people choose to set up camp near water sources. But inside a dungeon? Good luck finding one.

This place is a so-called “Safe Zone,” a designated rest area.

If there were a water source here, it would be absolutely swamped with people.

Which means, under normal circumstances, today would have been another bathless day.

But thanks to Annabelle, we have access to both water and hot water.

So, we’re making do by wiping ourselves down inside the tent…

“Kita-kun… Just how many is that now?”

“Dunno. Not worth counting.”

So this is what Annabelle meant by “You’ll understand later,” huh?

I grabbed another idiot who came rushing in, then threw him out of the crowd.

But there were still plenty of guys surrounding us, hovering cautiously, inching closer.

“Hey, come any closer, and I’ll take you out without warning.”

“Seriously… This is what they mean by bloodthirsty beasts. If you want a woman’s attention, at least try showing some sincerity first.”

Nishida and Nakajima lowered their stances, fists at the ready.

The “other side” of the world tends to be a lawless place.

Inside a dungeon, there are even fewer prying eyes.

In other words, it’s the perfect environment for crime and wrongdoing.

And the guys who can’t get women on “this side”… are even dumber than us.

Way dumber.

Which is exactly why we should’ve been more prepared for this.

“You guys are so unfair! You’ve got four girls with you!”

“Yeah, exactly! At least let us peep!”

An honest bunch of desperate idiots.

So this is what happens when men are cooped up in a dungeon for too long.

I guess all the guys we’ve met until now were actually decent.

Gil, I take back calling you a coward.

Kyle’s party? A group of absolute gentlemen, it turns out.

“Shut up, you goddamn morons! The first guy who showed up literally said ‘Lend us one for the night’—like hell we’re letting you anywhere near them!”

Yeah. The girls are bathing right now.

Well, more like wiping themselves down, but still.

I get it, I do. But if you take one step closer, I’ll kill you.

“Azuma! Don’t let a single one through! Nishida, Nakajima, take care of anyone trying to sneak around! I’ll handle the front!”

“””Roger that!”””

And so, the impenetrable Azuma repelled the Walkers, Nishida’s swift strikes and Nakajima’s kicks sent them flying, and I just went wild.

It was a massacre, in every sense of the word.

Most of the Walkers were left lying on the ground, while the few women who had been in the Safe Zone looked over at us with exasperated expressions.

Eventually, the girls in our group finally peeked out from the tent.

“Master, thank you for your hard work.”

“As expected from the notorious ‘Hearty Eater’ and Dead Line. You didn’t kill anyone?”

“Ahaha… It was even wilder than I expected.”

“Everyone, good job.”

Meanwhile, from the remaining men, cries of “We didn’t make it in time!” echoed through the area.

Idiots. Absolute idiots.

These guys were ready to risk their lives just to sneak a peek.

Well, nobody died. Probably.

“…We’re leaving.”

“Kita, bathroom break?”

“Hell no! Who the hell can sleep in a place like this?! I’d feel safer surrounded by monsters!”

And so, we gave up on camping in the so-called “Safe Zone” and moved on.

After that, we started avoiding Safe Zones altogether.

That place is dangerous.

They call it “safe,” but all I see is danger.

If you try to cook a meal, people gather. If you have women with you, people gather.

In a confined space where everyone is constantly on edge, maybe it’s just human nature.

But for us, it was unbearable.

Apparently, in dungeons, people don’t usually bathe at all.

That’s why the few women who do stay in Safe Zones tend to forgo baths—to avoid situations like ours.

So instead, we pitched our tents deep within the monster-infested dungeon, keeping watch in shifts as we slept.

And honestly?

This felt way safer.

It’s been about three days since we descended.

Hard to say for sure without the sun, but it feels like around that long.

“The number of people has really thinned out.”

Looking around the Safe Zone, I noticed only two parties remaining.

Both of them looked exhausted, too drained to even glance our way.

If we started cooking here, I wonder what kind of looks we’d get.

“Kitayama-san, you’re thinking something inconsiderate again, aren’t you? Don’t even think about it—you’ll earn their undying hatred.”

I raised my hands in surrender under Airi’s sharp gaze.

Yeah, yeah, I’m not that cruel.

So, we passed through this floor without stopping.

“Kou-chan, what floor are we on again?”

“Uh… probably the fourth? Or sixth? We’ve been taking it slow, so it’s been a while.”

“Well, they do call this a beginner’s dungeon. As long as you have the speed or stamina to last, it’s supposed to be relatively easy to clear.”

Makes sense.

We’ve been taking our time, observing other parties’ battles, watching Walkers disarm traps, and learning about dungeon etiquette.

Total tourists.

And because of that, we’ve barely made any progress.

At this rate, we really will just be sightseeing.

“Don’t worry. From here on, it’s practically unexplored territory.”

Annabelle smiled reassuringly.

That smile was terrifying.

If we run into another horde of 100+ monsters like last time, we’re screwed.

Just as that thought crossed my mind, we descended the stairs…

And found ourselves in a jungle.

“We’re back…”

“Home sweet home…”

“Ahh, this feels right.”

“You three sound gross. Like a bunch of wildlings.”

That was harsh.

But we couldn’t help it. It was a forest.

This was our home turf.

“A forest, huh… Dungeons sure are full of mysteries.”

“Indeed. The deeper we go, the more the environment changes with each floor.”

Minami and Nakajima also looked around, intrigued.

Dungeons really were strange.

Each floor felt as if we’d been teleported to a completely different place.

It was fascinating.

Like traveling around the world in an instant.

…Well, except for the upper floors, which were just caves.

“Come on, everyone, let’s get moving. Even now, there’s a chance we’re being watched by magic beasts or monsters—”

“One down.”

A black shadow leaped at us from the treetops while Airi was speaking.

I threw my spear at it.

It hit the ground and began dissolving into smoke, vanishing completely—leaving only a magic stone behind.

If I had one complaint, it’d be that no meat remained.

Dungeons devoured corpses.

For some reason, only the magic stones were left behind, but that meant little for us in terms of supplies.

“Did you see that?”

“That was a gorilla.”

“Yeah, definitely a gorilla.”

A gorilla had just fallen from above.

Yet, it moved with the agility of a monkey.

“Well, I don’t really feel like eating gorilla, so whatever. Let’s hunt them all.”

“Your decision-making process is seriously messed up… Ah, I’ll retrieve your spear.”

Annabelle’s specialty was enchantment magic.

Normally, it was used to enhance weapons or armor, increasing their power or allowing them to conduct magic attacks.

But for some reason, my weapon had been enchanted with “Return”—a spell usually used for everyday life, which made lost items come back.

And since I couldn’t use magic at all, I had to rely on Annabelle to activate it.

If I had even the tiniest bit of magic, I could use it like flipping a switch.

But neither I, Nishida, nor Azuma had the ability to “flip the switch” in the first place.

I couldn’t accept it.

Still, it was incredibly useful.

And yet, I was the only one in our party whose weapon had this “Return” effect.

It didn’t sit right with me.

But having a spear that instantly returned to my hand was undeniably convenient.

“Master, there are at least ten of them… maybe close to twenty, watching us.”

“Found them.”

Minami twitched her ears.

Shiro, without a word, loosed an arrow.

A thud came from the direction she shot.

As usual, she was as composed as ever.

Though it would be nice if she could knock them down somewhere more visible, since we needed to collect the magic stones.

I guess that was asking for too much.

“Alright, we’ll clear them out as we move. From here on, we’re also treasure hunting. If you notice anything, call it out. Nishida, Airi, Nakajima—stay close.”

“””Got it!”””

And so, the gorilla hunt began.

Though honestly, with our scouts and archers, there wasn’t much left for the rest of us to do.

“Hell yeah! Finally, my time to shine!”

“I shall assist you, Nishida-san.”

“We’ll handle the ones that get close. Shiro-san, cover the blind spots and distant targets—”

“Already taken care of. It’s fine.”

And so, the massacre of the surrounding magic beasts began.

Unfortunately, we wouldn’t get any meat, but at least we’d secure some magic stones.

Sometimes, dungeons would drop loot, too.

Apparently, it was stuff the magic beasts had swallowed—gear, supplies, that kind of thing.

Do we need that?

No, we absolutely don’t.

I mean, once in a while they dropped money or crafting materials, which was nice, but—

“Kou-chan! Drop item!”

“Nishida, don’t just throw that filthy thing at me! It’s covered in fluids!”

“Hmph! Oh, Kita-kun, something else dropped.”

“Azuma, stop chucking random crap at me! I’m not a junk collector!”

And so, I was relentlessly pelted with so-called “items”—which were basically just trash from gorillas.

Remind me again, what was the point of being the leader?

“You guys… are seriously the worst.”

While everyone else took down beasts cleanly, I alone was covered in various unknown fluids.

We had just left the “Jump Out! Gorilla Forest!” zone, and now this new area wasn’t much better.

Since these were dungeon drop items, I couldn’t dodge them.

So I had to catch them all, no matter how disgusting they were.

I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do with a gorilla’s arm?

Is it a crafting material? Food?

I even got a lizard’s tail—it was still moving.

At least I didn’t hand my magic bag over to Minami today…

“Uh, how do I say this… sorry.”

“Something fell, and I reacted on instinct… I’m the type who picks up trash items in MMOs. My bad?”

Nishida and Azuma averted their gazes as they spoke, but I knew.
These guys were definitely breathing through their mouths.

I get it. It stinks.
I know it’s more than just that, but still—this hurts, man.

“Kita, you stink.”

“Umm, let’s wash your armor before the bath. I’ll help.”

“Master, I shall assist you.”

Shiro, Naka, and Minami each chimed in, but of course, one of them had to hurt the old man’s feelings.
Damn it! I thought dungeons were supposed to be full of adventure and romance!
Why do I have to be drenched in monster fluids when we can’t even get any meat out of this?!

As I howled in frustration, the two dungeon veterans gave me exasperated looks.

“Uh, I mean… this is normal, you know? Honestly, the fact that only one of us got hit is kind of lucky?”

“We’ll all help wash your armor, so, um… good work?”

And so, we continued deeper into the dungeon.
So far, no real gains.
We’d collected the mana stones from the monsters we defeated, but aside from that, all we’d gotten were random hides and body parts.
And worst of all, they weren’t even processed.

The dungeon just spat them out as raw, blood-soaked chunks.
Come on, at least let us butcher them ourselves.

By the time we descended a few more floors past the gorilla zone, our mental states were pretty much in shambles.

“At this point, I’d settle for just one treasure chest… huh?”

They say words have power.

It was just a complaint, but the moment I said “treasure chest,”
there it was.

A wooden, textbook-definition treasure chest.

“I FOUND ONEEEE! TREASUREEEE!”

I dashed towards it without a second thought.
Please, let it be something good.

Praying hard, I reached the chest first—

“Kitayama-san! Stop!”

“Tch! Water Ball!”

Before I could even react, Annabelle’s water magic blasted the chest away.

What the hell?!
That could’ve been our first payday!

I turned around to yell at her—

“Kiki-kki, gigi—”

“Huh?”

A strange screeching noise came from the direction of the chest.

“Kitayama-san, get back! It’s a mimic!”

Airi shouted, and when I turned back—

“It’s a crab.”

“A crab…?”

“A crab… and a big one.”

What emerged from the chest was an enormous crab.
It looked like a hermit crab, carrying the chest on its back.

And, for some reason, it was already red. Pre-boiled?

“JACKPOT! SEAFOOD! BOYS, GET IT! DON’T LET IT ESCAPE!”

“YEAHHHHH!”

“CRAB HOTPOT! GRILLED CRAB!”

Our idiot trio charged at it, weapons raised.

But this was still a dungeon.
Once a monster is defeated, its body gets eaten by the dungeon.

We completely forgot that in our excitement, and the inevitable happened.

“WHY?! WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?!”

All that remained in our hands were the crab’s claws.
Completely empty. Just the shells.

You gotta be kidding me.
Every other drop so far was bloody and intact.

Why the hell was the crab the only one that got picked clean before dropping?!

“I hate dungeons.”

“Same.”

“I get it.”

“Masters…”

And so, our dungeon dive continued.

At this point, we just wanted to get the hell out.

With determination fueled by sheer frustration, we marched forward at an even faster pace, desperate to escape this place that dangled feasts before us, only to snatch them away.