The three idiots who couldn't become heroes are preparing a man's meal today as well. - Chapter 62

Episode 62: Let’s Make Smoked Snacks

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“Master, how was it?”

Early in the morning, Minami was the first to speak to me.

Currently, the people outside the tent are me, Azuma, Minami, Kua, and Annabelle.

As for the others, they were still fast asleep inside the tent. Since they had spent the entire night keeping watch in hiding, they were completely exhausted.

Nishida, Airi, and Nakajima, of course.

Even Shiro had probably spent the whole night aiming her bow at our target’s forehead.

Seriously, they’ve worked so hard.

“I got a reply. It says, ‘I want to eat something delicious.'”

I waved the letter I had received, and Minami let out a deep sigh.

“I didn’t expect a response in just one day… Are they really that careless, or are they just that exhausted?”

Muttering to herself, Minami threw some firewood into the campfire.

With all the humidity and the general chill of the forest, the morning mist was thick enough to obscure everything around us.

“Hmm… Should we make something warm for breakfast?”

A hot pot, maybe?

No, that doesn’t sound right.

Hot pot in the morning would be too heavy—it’s definitely a dish meant for nighttime.

A standard Japanese breakfast, then? But we have no idea when they’ll take the bait…

“Kita-kun, Kita-kun, our target seems pretty simple-minded, so how about this?”

“Hmm?”

Shiro whispered her idea to me—it was incredibly childish.

But if it worked, it would make things much easier.

So, I decided to say it out loud.

“Ahh, this morning’s meal is best eaten while it’s hot… If it gets cold, it might not taste as good…”

“Oh no, Kita-kun! It would be such a shame if the Forest God couldn’t enjoy it while it’s still warm!”

A ridiculous skit, once again.

Honestly, saying this stuff just makes me feel miserable.

I don’t even know what exactly it is that I’m feeding at this point.

Despite that, I started making rice porridge.

Since it’s cold, I’ll add some ginger as well.

Not really understanding why, I continued simmering vegetables and rice in a small iron pot meant for one.

“Master… We’ve got a bite…”

“…Seriously? Kua, you’re up.”

“Yes, I simply need to offer this while saying a prayer, correct?”

With an oddly solemn expression, Kua put on mittens, carried the iron pot, and placed it in the same spot as last night.

And of course, she didn’t forget to offer a prayer.

If you only saw this moment, she’d look like a devoted priestess.

No one would ever guess that this was the same girl who lifts her skirt up on train platforms.

“This is so blatant… Surely—”

As soon as we all looked away from the “offering,” Annabelle gave a wry smile.

I get it. I totally get it.

If they actually take the bait under these circumstances, that would be something else entirely.

Or so I thought…

“Ah, hot!?”

A small, unfamiliar voice echoed from behind us.

Should we just pretend we didn’t hear that?

“Um… What should we do, Master?”

“They’re probably still on guard. Let’s wait a little longer. We didn’t hear anything, got it?”

“Haha… Well, we’ve got a week, so let’s take it slow.”

And so, we continued feeding the so-called “Forest God” every meal from then on.

A few days passed.

It’s nearly been a week, yet our little “Forest God” game was still going strong.

We had even left bedding out as an offering since we sometimes heard sneezes at night.

And yet, they still hadn’t shown themselves.

Despite being so cautious, they refused to leave the area, clearly waiting for their next meal like a stray cat.

“No results today either, huh?”

Bored from the lack of hunting or exploration, Airi stared into the campfire absentmindedly.

“Well, isn’t it nice to take it easy sometimes?”

Minami replied, though she looked sleepy and unmotivated herself.

Hmm, this isn’t good.

At this rate, only Shiro is doing any real work.

She’s been keeping watch from the trees again today.

“Alright, if we’re too bored, let’s make something.”

“Kitayama-san, we just ate, though?”

Annabelle and Kua tilted their heads in confusion.

“I didn’t say we were eating it now.”

“Let’s make beef jerky and smoked nuts.”

“Oh, nice. That’ll make me want some booze.”

“Sounds good. I used to eat them a lot ‘over there,’ but I’ve never made them myself.”

The guys who liked alcohol immediately perked up.

Good, this should keep us busy for a while.

Even if there’s not much actual work to do.

“Azuma, hey, wake up. We’re making jerky.”

“Mmm… Smoked cheese too…”

“That’s the first thing you say after waking up?”

I shook Azuma awake from his nap and pulled out a massive smoker from my magic bag.

Of course, it was made by the dwarves.

Having a skilled craftsman around is great—makes you miss home improvement stores a lot less.

“Annabelle, can you dry out the meat?”

“You mean like dehydrating it? I can do it, but it takes a lot of focus. You could air-dry it, but that takes even longer.”

“I see. Well, in that case, we’ll just do it the normal way. It’ll take some time, though.”

So, I put the smoker back into the bag and instead placed a slab of meat on a cutting board.

Annabelle lightly froze it to make slicing easier, and we cut it into even portions.

Since it was bound to be devoured the moment it was ready, I had the others help prepare large batches.

Once we had enough, I threw the slices into a bowl and added soy sauce, mirin, red wine, and minced garlic.

Then, I mixed in a generous amount of sugar, a little salt, and some black pepper along with various spices.

If you mess up the proportions, it’ll end up way too salty, so it’s best to start small until you get used to it.

I learned that the hard way in the past.

Anyway, after mixing everything thoroughly, we began kneading and marinating the meat.

“Master, how long should this be marinated? About the same as when making ginger pork?”

“Nope, about a night.”

“O-One night!?”

They looked at me in disbelief, but there was no helping it.

Well, I had anticipated this reaction, so I had been preparing in my spare time for the past few days.

I tossed the meat into a magic bag that allowed time to pass inside and, in exchange, pulled out a bowl.

“Here, this is the meat that has been marinated overnight. Though it’s not as much as what we have now.”

“Ohh, as expected of Kita-kun. Just like a cooking show.”

Presentation is important. Otherwise, we’d just be sitting around for six to eight hours doing nothing.

With that, I placed the bowl in the center of everyone and began hanging drying baskets from a nearby tree.

Surprisingly, these netted drying baskets were readily available at regular supply stores.

Thinking about it, it made sense—Walkers eat dried meat, so of course, they’d be selling them.

“Umm… Kitayama-san, this ‘beef jerky’… is it dried meat?”

“Huh? Wait, you’re just realizing that now?”

“Ahh… so it really was dried meat…”

The Witch and the Sister both looked disappointed.

I tilted my head in confusion for a moment but quickly figured it out.

They were probably imagining the dried meat sold in town.

I had tried it once out of curiosity, and yeah, it was awful.

Salty, smelly, and tough as hell.

The one time I used it in rice, it was only edible because I chopped it super fine and cooked it with lots of water.

“But if it’s something Master makes, then surely…!”

“We can look forward to it, right? Right!?”

Minami and Airi looked at me with hopeful, pleading eyes.

Well, whatever. It’s faster to let them taste it than to explain.

“Alright, first, pat the meat dry, then coat it with black pepper, and finally, lay it out in the basket.”

“Aye aye!”

“Roger!”

“I’m looking forward to this.”

Unlike the others, the otherworldly bunch was excited as they carefully patted the meat dry and arranged it on the cutting board like a puzzle.

Mhm, even Nakajima was doing well, imitating everyone else.

Nishida and Azuma were already used to it.

After all, I had them help me plenty of times back at my apartment.

While we were working, a light thunk sound came from my feet as an arrow embedded itself in the ground.

Enemy attack!?

I almost shouted but noticed that a piece of paper was tied to the arrow.

Glancing at it, I saw a blinking blue light.

An arrow message? What century are you from?

Sighing, I unfolded the letter.

“They came out. Watching from here. Fidgety. Red-haired girl. Horns. Also, bring smoked cheese.”

Hoh? Why now, of all times?

And what do they mean by “horns”? Some kind of beastkin, like a sheep or goat?

So, it really was a kid after all.

Maybe she just got curious because we were all gathered and doing something together.

And got it—cheese as well.

“Master, what did Shiro say?”

“Hm? Ah, just that things are going smoothly. Also, she want cheese.”

“Cheese?”

Minami whispered, and I casually replied before getting back to work.

After patting the meat dry, I sprinkled black pepper over it and arranged it on the net.

Now that it was mentioned, I could feel a pair of eyes watching us.

She were really staring.

I had let my guard down completely after nothing major happened recently.

Maybe I got a little too relaxed.

“Kitayama-sama, how long does this dried meat need to be hung?”

The ones who had been disappointed earlier—Kua and the others—seemed to have regained their enthusiasm as they helped lay the meat out in the baskets.

“About a night.”

“Again…? This takes a long time…”

Everyone slumped in disappointment.

And so, the magic bag made another appearance.

“Ooh!” came the impressed voices of Nishi, Azuma, and Naka as I pulled out a basket identical to the one we had just hung.

Though, it contained less meat.

“And here’s the meat I experimented with to see if it would dry inside the magic bag… Hmm, still kinda damp.”

“Um, I’ll try to dry it properly!”

Perhaps not wanting to wait any longer, even Annabelle, who had hesitated earlier, raised her hand.

Alright, at this rate, we might be able to get to the smoking process by today.

………..

 

“What are they doing?”

I had been eating the food they left as offerings for the “Forest God” and had regained a lot of my strength.

They even gave me blankets, so I didn’t feel cold at night.

I wished they would stay here forever.

But during the daytime, staying still got boring.

Of course, I couldn’t just wander around, or I’d end up as a monster’s meal.

As I secretly observed them, I noticed they were doing something strange today.

I understood when they were cutting the meat, but after that, I had no idea.

They were adding things, mixing things, arranging things…

It almost looked like they were playing.

Curious, I crept closer than usual.

Maybe I could get an even better look?

Was it too dangerous?

Feeling restless, I peeked out from behind a tree and watched them intently.

“Ah, smoke… Are they grilling it?”

Smoke started rising from a silver box, but then, with a clunk, they shut it, and the smoke stopped.

What were they doing?

Sniffing the air, I noticed it didn’t smell like ordinary burning wood.

It had a rich, savory aroma.

What could they be burning to make it smell like that?

As I leaned forward just a little more—

“—I’m telling you, we already checked this area.”

“Yeah, well, we still haven’t found anything, so what can we do? Damn it, now that the Hero has shown up, they want this wrapped up quickly.”

A voice came from behind.

A voice I had heard before—the voices of the Walkers searching for me.

They were close.

I felt the blood drain from my face.

Should I run back to my usual hiding spot? But I wasn’t sure if I’d make it in time.

As I stood there, unable to decide what to do, my eyes darting around in panic—

—Piii!

A sharp whistle suddenly echoed through the air.

I thought they had found me.

“I’m sorry, little lady. Seems like we’ve got an emergency on our hands.”

A voice came from right beside me.

I turned my head with a snap, and there stood one of those black-clad figures I always spied on.

The one who had captured that Mandrake before.

He placed a finger to his lips in a shh gesture and smiled.

I wasn’t supposed to be seen by these people either, let alone the Walkers.

That thought barely had time to register before I was suddenly lifted up and whisked away at an unbelievable speed.

I wanted to scream, but fear stole my voice.

“Sorry for being rough. Just stay quiet here for a bit, okay?”

Before I knew it, I had been thrown into a tent.

The entrance flap fell shut, and I could hear shouting from outside.

“Who the hell are you people?! What are you doing here?!”

“Hah? That’s our line. Walkers hunting in the forest—what’s wrong with that? Who the hell are you? You sure talk big for someone dressed just like us.”

I curled up, hugging my knees, shaking violently.

I couldn’t let the Walkers find me, and yet here I was, caught by one group and cornered by another.

It was over.

My life was going to end right here.

“…Tch, this has nothing to do with you! More importantly, have you seen a Demonkin? Supposedly hiding around here. Still just a child.”

“—Hhk!”

They were talking about me.

The moment I realized that, a small gasp slipped from my lips.

This was bad. Really bad.

“…Is there someone in that tent?”

“Like hell that’s any of your business. What reason do we have to show you what’s inside our tent? Or are you thieves? ‘Cause if you are, we won’t hold back.”

I could hear the sound of steel scraping against steel outside.

Fear gripped me.

They were drawing their weapons.

I trembled even harder, my breathing turning ragged—

And then.

“Yo, excuse me—oof, tight squeeze… Ah, don’t worry. No screaming, okay?”

From the opposite side of the tent, a woman with stark white hair slipped inside.

She wore black leather armor and carried a bow in her hand.

Was she one of them too?

I didn’t remember ever seeing her before.

“U-Um, I…”

“A tomboyish little girl, huh? I like it. Don’t worry, just stay quiet. Let the big sisters handle this.”

She patted my head, then gently wrapped a blanket around me.

Like the man from earlier, she pressed a finger to her lips in a shh gesture.

Were they… helping me?

“Enough! Hand over whoever’s in that tent! Or else—”

“Or else what? You wanna go? Fine by me. Deploy!”

“Roger that!”

With that command, footsteps spread out all around us.

Something was happening outside.

I wanted to know what, but for once, I didn’t dare peek.

“I’ll be back in a bit, okay? If you behave, I’ll make sure today’s dinner is extra special.”

The white-haired woman smiled softly at me before stepping out of the tent.

“When a woman is suffering from her period, you’re being noisy. I told you, Kita, I’m resting in the tent.”

“Oh, hey, Shiro. These guys really wanted to see you.”

“…Perverts?”

“Yep. Alright, everyone! Let’s hunt these perverts!”

“””Ooooh!”””

…Wait, what?

That lady definitely wasn’t on her period today.

She seemed to be in great shape.

“W-Wait, hold on! This was a misunderstanding! Our apologies! We were searching for someone, but it seems we were mistaken!”

After that, I heard more steel scraping—then silence.

Did they leave?

“Apologies. But there is a Demonkin in this area. You should be cautious.”

“Yeah, yeah. We’ll keep that in mind.”

With that, two sets of footsteps faded into the distance.

It was over.

The people chasing me were gone.

But now… what do I do?

“Yo.”

Just as I let out a deep breath, the black-armored man I always spied on poked his head through the tent entrance.

Right.

It wasn’t over yet.

I was still caught.

“…This is awkward, you hungry?”

“…Huh?”

The question was so far from what I had expected that I just blinked at him in confusion.